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    dots Submission Name: Almostdots

    Author: taintedsmiles
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 64/90/75
    Words: 127
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 870
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 920

       if you can't figure it out it's about being in love with someone you thought you no longer did

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    strobe light mind
    a memory rewind
    crumbled stem of a rose
    bleeding hands
    pile this on top of me
    crush the soul that can't be freed
    this misery
    maggots eat the eyes
    a heart betrayal
    feel lies
    carry this truth to
    the underground fight
    never we realize day
    is worse than night
    arise you wicked sun
    your cloud but a haunting thought
    cover the face of an unseen mask
    rain down upon me
    freshen the skin
    end, with beauty
    a rainbow's end
    open the curtians of gray
    soak it in
    lets begin
    at least we're alive
    living life heavy
    burried under deprived
    of a love
    of a heart
    of something once dearly missed
    in my mind a strobe light
    of thoughts
    i almost didn't miss

    Submitted on 2007-12-05 17:23:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      you puncutation.
    this piece is begging for it.

    it starts off well but it seems as your line breaks seem to become more tricky and less straight forward the words jumble together and mean nothing.

    i like the strobe light thoughts thing.
    my mind is always opening and shutting as quick as a strobe light to thoughts and ideas and memories. some days it is too tiring to believe. today is one of those days.

    i like the way, at the end, you said i almost didnt miss. its worded in that 10things i hate about you kinda way when the girl is going on about all the things she hates and then says but most of all i hate the fact that i dont hate you etc.

    personally i do not think that maggots eating eyes line is really needed. it doesnt add anything to the piece and seems different from the rest of your imagery created.

    rhythmically i think you are onto something though. a coupla minor tweaks here and there and you have a quick moving piece that acts itself like a strobe light which is awesome.

    mess around with this piece a little more.
    good luck
    | Posted on 2007-12-06 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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