Description: if you can't figure it out it's about being in love with someone you thought you no longer did
strobe light mind
a memory rewind
crumbled stem of a rose
pile this on top of me
crush the soul that can't be freed
maggots eat the eyes
a heart betrayal
carry this truth to
the underground fight
never we realize day
is worse than night
arise you wicked sun
your cloud but a haunting thought
cover the face of an unseen mask
rain down upon me
freshen the skin
end, with beauty
a rainbow's end
open the curtians of gray
soak it in
at least we're alive
living life heavy
burried under deprived
of a love
of a heart
of something once dearly missed
in my mind a strobe light
i almost didn't miss
it starts off well but it seems as your line breaks seem to become more tricky and less straight forward the words jumble together and mean nothing.
i like the strobe light thoughts thing.
my mind is always opening and shutting as quick as a strobe light to thoughts and ideas and memories. some days it is too tiring to believe. today is one of those days.
i like the way, at the end, you said i almost didnt miss. its worded in that 10things i hate about you kinda way when the girl is going on about all the things she hates and then says but most of all i hate the fact that i dont hate you etc.
personally i do not think that maggots eating eyes line is really needed. it doesnt add anything to the piece and seems different from the rest of your imagery created.
rhythmically i think you are onto something though. a coupla minor tweaks here and there and you have a quick moving piece that acts itself like a strobe light which is awesome.
mess around with this piece a little more.