Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Heart of Couragedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Choc Chip
    Elite Ratio:    4.68 - 4/7/3
    Words: 130
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 443
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 805



    Description:
       I wrote this some years ago when i was still in school and it is still one of my favorites.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHeart of Couragedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Here I stand, and cast in stone
    will be revealed the warrior's heart
    and humbly I'll refrain to cry
    as lives are torn apart.

    Here I come, and clad in steel
    a challenge some may find
    as the swift thrust of the last sword
    has brought about its time.

    Here I march, remembering courage
    and bravery on display
    as I hear the mournful cries of men
    from that last pitiful day.

    Here we kneel and bow our heads
    as glistening flames we light
    to send off our beloveds
    who do not fail to fight.

    Here our teardrops soak the earth
    as more and more names are read
    and the ongoing battle is now within us -
    the lucky ones are those who are dead.




    Submitted on 2007-12-05 23:11:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I don't know what it is like to be in a war. But I do have friends who have given accounts so I get the impression that it certainly scars you. I feel that it has the tendency to just make a lesser person out by reducing you to a man of fear and survival. But in the midst of the aftermath of this transformation, life will easily find its way in bringing back your humanity. And, in some sense, I believe that that makes you even better at certain angles.

    I think that the best lines where at the end. It was sharp to a good extent and was complimentary.

    As for my critique, I wish that you could give something... more. Personally, this is a solid piece. But the thing about this is that it doesn't go beyond being a good technical piece. It lacks elements that sets it apart. But then again, that in itself could not be your fault since this could have been written to the best of your honest perspective.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is. If you are happy with this, then OK. If not, then I think that you could improve it by going beyond the general and usual concepts of war. Like, how does the weight of the armor feel with a heart that beats to the intensity of war drums or what else is in there that you can hold on to.

    Again, this is yours... not mine, so... it's your call.
    | Posted on 2007-12-06 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the progression of the first lines of the stanzas. you start this piece as a very personal 'here i stand' and move on to 'here i come' to 'here i march'.
    the use of march here would cause the reader to see the narrator marching WITH others because marching on your own is quite ineffective really. here we kneel is making the fellow marchers more humanised and the final stanza with the teardrops creates a comon bond among those present. a bond that cannot be broken


    i read this and cannot help but think that you write this of a soldier and his./her experiences on the field. the idea of those being dead being the lucky ones makes me sad. it doesnt strike me as a very victorious ending to me but then war doesnt usually have a clearly defined end. just ask the mothers of fallen soldiers or the sisters of innocent civilian brothers caught in the crossfire.

    and i wont what being in a war torn environment must do to soldiers. soldiers who thought they were fighting for one thing and find out it not to be the way they thought... can they go home if they no longer agree with the cause?

    interesting...
    | Posted on 2007-12-06 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    154015

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry