I don't know what it is like to be in a war. But I do have friends who have given accounts so I get the impression that it certainly scars you. I feel that it has the tendency to just make a lesser person out by reducing you to a man of fear and survival. But in the midst of the aftermath of this transformation, life will easily find its way in bringing back your humanity. And, in some sense, I believe that that makes you even better at certain angles.
I think that the best lines where at the end. It was sharp to a good extent and was complimentary.
As for my critique, I wish that you could give something... more. Personally, this is a solid piece. But the thing about this is that it doesn't go beyond being a good technical piece. It lacks elements that sets it apart. But then again, that in itself could not be your fault since this could have been written to the best of your honest perspective.
I guess what I'm trying to say is. If you are happy with this, then OK. If not, then I think that you could improve it by going beyond the general and usual concepts of war. Like, how does the weight of the armor feel with a heart that beats to the intensity of war drums or what else is in there that you can hold on to.
Again, this is yours... not mine, so... it's your call.
i like the progression of the first lines of the stanzas. you start this piece as a very personal 'here i stand' and move on to 'here i come' to 'here i march'.
the use of march here would cause the reader to see the narrator marching WITH others because marching on your own is quite ineffective really. here we kneel is making the fellow marchers more humanised and the final stanza with the teardrops creates a comon bond among those present. a bond that cannot be broken
i read this and cannot help but think that you write this of a soldier and his./her experiences on the field. the idea of those being dead being the lucky ones makes me sad. it doesnt strike me as a very victorious ending to me but then war doesnt usually have a clearly defined end. just ask the mothers of fallen soldiers or the sisters of innocent civilian brothers caught in the crossfire.
and i wont what being in a war torn environment must do to soldiers. soldiers who thought they were fighting for one thing and find out it not to be the way they thought... can they go home if they no longer agree with the cause?