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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Poisoned and perfectdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: shootingstar
    ASL Info:    22/f/hell
    Elite Ratio:    3.15 - 102/120/21
    Words: 58
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1603
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 451



    Description:
       incurable, and as deadly as the plague. my affection


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPoisoned and perfectdots
    -------------------------------------------


    poisoned and perfect
    tragic and true
    the sickness within me
    will follow you too
    the curse of my love
    no substance can cure
    poisoned and perfect
    to those i adore

    sweetened by snowflakes
    protected in pain
    hardened by heartache
    returned through the rain
    poisoned and perfect
    these kisses of death
    delicious and deadly
    each passionate breath




    Submitted on 2004-06-25 09:51:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I'd like to have an mp3 of this. x.x; It's really good. I love the way you write. You're like, one of my favourite authors now. :)!
    | Posted on 2004-07-27 00:00:00 | by Shuurinakisame | [ Reply to This ]
      That was really good, shooting star. I really enjoyed this poem. loved the lines "sweetened by snowflakes," and "protected in pain." Great Write though!
    | Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by jlpurvis2001 | [ Reply to This ]
      I also loved the line "sweetened by snowflakes"
    very original, and makes the reader almost imagine some kind of sugar frosted effect. I thought the rhyme and rhythm were close to perfect and have nothing to offer for changes. Your a bit darker style than I go for, but I have to say it is well done and attractive.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      very good poem dude. just two little things the line 'it's you i adore' sounds a little out of place. not sure if anyone agrees but it didnt sound right to me. and the other thing is that 'deep as a vein' thing anarius said about. it doesnt sound right. but other than those two little things it is very good work. keep them comeing
    | Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by nameless_nobody | [ Reply to This ]
      Very very nice! I love some of these lines like "sweetened by snowflakes", and "protected in pain." The only one i had a problem with was "as deep as a vein" it really seemed forced, cliché'd and out of place in the poem, too overused, and I think it takes away from the piece, I'd suggest an edit there, other than that though, good piece, and keep writing.
    | Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by Anarius | [ Reply to This ]


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