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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Endless Waltzdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Imadjinn
    ASL Info:    17/M/Neverwhere
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 329/334/138
    Words: 184
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 134
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1179



    Description:
       Inspired by XO


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEndless Waltzdots
    -------------------------------------------


    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three

    Left foot, Box
    Right foot, Line
    Left foot, Right
    Left foot, Right

    In Dancing circles, they call it a waltz.

    It’s Ironic really, a gathering of prime numbers split up between the steps of two people, a box in a line, trying to make three sides into a square. Trying to make three steps into beauty.

    Hands around waist, for one, Hands on shoulders, the other. The duality broken by the monotonous undertone.

    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three


    Formality must come in packages of three, somehow forced into the minds and movements of two. The impropriety of the fraction it makes resounds in the piano score.

    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three


    Like a body without a head. Eyes without a nose. The dance plays around the box, making two people into three steps. Three steps into four sides. Four sides into a rhythm, and all to the beat of forever.

    One, Two, Three

    Forever.




    Submitted on 2007-12-09 03:19:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      This is the reason why machines cannot write poems.

    Machines do not have the capacity to create outside the box. Machines create things that are under the realms of a certain computation and are always bound by the rules of the 0-1 Universe. They cannot create beyond what we can. And poetry, I think, whether physical, literal, etc... is the deepest of all creation and cannot be done by things that are limited to a mechanical degree; or simply put... by things that are not alive.

    Anyway, I think that your piece is better read aloud then in silence. That way, you (or the reader) would have the ability to inject energy or give life to the depth that hides behind the humility of the composition. It could make the one two three one two three part more arresting.

    But perhaps that's just me.

    I also have a little bone to pick with the ending. For some reason, I think that it would be more powerful when instead of "Forever" you did something like...

    Like a body without a head. Eyes without a nose. The dance plays around the box, making two people into three steps. Three steps into four sides. Four sides into a rhythm, and all to the beat of forever.

    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three
    One, Two, Three...

    Of course, with this one... it would be much better read in silence than aloud.

    Sorry if I seem to be intruding.

    I do like this piece though. It had a very no-nonsense feel that seems to jive well with the notion of contending against things like traditions or the Waltz. And while the construction may seem to dwindle in certain angles, it is straight-forward in spirit; and that characteristic is what makes it strong.





    | Posted on 2007-12-10 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]


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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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