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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Every Cloud Has a Uranium Lining.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sheakhan
    ASL Info:    22/M/FL
    Elite Ratio:    5.66 - 167/183/82
    Words: 190
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 243
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1184



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEvery Cloud Has a Uranium Lining.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    well i could do with a stiff drink,
    followed by a few more.
    and top it off with one last swallow,
    and then head out the door.
    to see the world from my new eyes,
    the gutter, or the floor.
    and later on, face on the seat,
    i'd see a little more.
    vinyl paint across the wall
    with stains that look like piss,
    i can taste the urine now,
    i could get sick of this.
    the dreams about the world
    i saw, will be polluted then,
    with all the salty stingy scent
    that i'm surrounded in.
    but maybe i'll awake anew,
    (well, maybe the next day)
    i'll try again to see the world
    with that erratic sway.
    i'll hold the globe up to the light
    to see with drunken clarity
    the way that it is all built up,
    around this last disparity:
    of making it until next year,
    and will they stop the war?
    or will we all be radiated
    and melt down to the floor
    like crayons in the microwave
    or icecream in the sun?
    i'd hate to see it end that way,
    but at least the going's fun.




    Submitted on 2007-12-11 11:10:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I liked this a lot. It flowed very well, and reading it just made me smile. It's the kind of thing I'd want to reread, just for the fun of it.

    I have one nitpick, though. I think you should put breaks in between your stanzas. I think they help separate the different thoughts really well. That's just me though, and they're really not necessary.

    This was really impressive. Kudos.

    Keep writing
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2008-06-12 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes. Sometimes it does take a strong sense of freedom and haziness to see things clearly. Only when we are released from the inhibitions that the world body-casted on us can we really feel the need to move our arms, raise our heads or crump in front of a priest or french maid.

    I liked how you steered this piece. You presented it in such a matter-of-fact manner (regardless of the casual rhyming) that it already had a good level of flexibility to begin with. It also had a good sense of direction despite the tipsy ways by which you moved from one topic to another.

    I think that you being able to pull all these things off really shows the fact that you are talented. While it may seem easy, I think that it really takes a lot of good timing and good instinct to make this work the way that it did. One wrong move on your part may have very well jeopardized the fluidity of this piece.
    | Posted on 2007-12-11 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]


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