From Bliss to Reality by brunov68

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Submission Name: From Bliss to Reality dots

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Author:	brunov68
ASL Info:	22/M/Toronto
Elite Ratio:	4.34 - 311/320/30
Words:	150

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	498
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1162

Description:
This is about humans being just, celestial beings as children, to become currupted adults. And we can't really help it, the world simply spins that way. If you read this please comment or leave suggestions, their much appreaciated.

From Bliss to Reality dots

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Photographs remind forgotten lore
leaving me pondering, desiring more.
Happier times, my being begrimes
nowadays life is sadness galore
much experienced, thus distanced from before.

Occurrences of life altered emotions
notions of cheerless oceans and blissful potions:
In the distressing sea I swim alone,
contentment’s chemistry is currently unknown
and to others irrationally condone.

Kindness indeed transformed to greed-
this is flawed, with no fraud
but subconsciously happening abroad.
With this, but not only this
we dismiss virtue, rejecting bliss.

Innocence nothing but a remembrance,
an acquaintance from infancy
that with intimacy was blown to dust.
Purity was merely the misleading crust
hiding and blinding the world from lust.

Helpless against our own desires,
ruthless, our egotistical mind conspires.
Uncaring for casualties, harm did befall,
fatalities and brutalities in our lives shall dwell.
Reality will forever be a sin short from hell.

Submitted on 2004-06-25 11:22:04 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  out of this whole poem, the last line is my favorite. reality sucks and i use to "run" from it all the time. pretending things were different than they were and thus causing myself way to much drama. some concepts within this got me really thinking, and that is what i love the most. the challenge of trying to see what the writer is trying to say. for that i give you two thumbs on this one**
| Posted on 2004-12-22 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I think rhymes like more/galore are forced. The dust/crust rhyme also seems forced. The same goes for fraud and abroad. There are several more that I think fall into the same category. I'm the worst person to comment on rhymed poetry because I detest it. In the first line of the third stanza it should be a dash instead of a hyphen (In Word you just type two hyphens, and hit enter. If you use another program, two hyphens typed together are considered equivalent). "Depressed" poetry shouldn't rhyme in my opinion because rhyme imparts a lighter tone.
| Posted on 2004-09-29 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this piece has lost a lot of emphasis because of the rhyme. See... rhyming like this only really works well with a story ( go and read Rain on Windchimes the poem by Krimson Reaper), or when it's a simple message.

This message is too good and pure for rhyme, because following the rhyme confused me, and I lost sight of the message. I really think it would do better as a free verse piece. Some of the rhyme lines were forced, an exaple of that is that you used "befell" which is past tense, when the correct tense was present and so it should have been "befall". noting these flaws, again we lose sight of the message you're conveying.

I love the message. I love the vocabulary, your choice of words is so.. not pretty but they are all so well-chosen that this is a very cerebral, intelligent piece. No problems with extraneous words here at all. You have a few iffy words that are either grammatically incorrect or don't fit, but... that means changing them. which means they won't rhyme any more. I really would like to see this changed into a more flowing, free verse style that carries us through the piece... rather than us having to work through it. The rhyme WAS good, but I just don't think it is suited to this one.
| Posted on 2004-07-09 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this piece was utterly brilliant. I tend to only comment on the ones I like so you know it must be true. The vocabulary that you expressed within this poem made the imagery extremely easy to form. My mental picture was astounding. I'm glad this was not just another simple piece that uses simple words. I could truly feel what you were trying to express and I have nothing negative to say really. You truly do underestimate your work. You need a little more faith in yourself. This line,"uncaring for casualties, demanding a bounty. " makes sense but I think should be revised because it doesn't fit the stanza. Otherwise I still think the ending was great as well. As for what I saw...In the beginning of the story I developed it was two children, young, about three years old. Then it flashes forward to teen years, they're still great friends but one starts down the path to self-destruction as the other walks down the unbeaten trail of justice and purity. Then it flashes forward to when they are young adults. One child, no longer a child but a man has become a police officer and he was arresting the other child, who had grown apart from him and become a crack addict who had just committed murder. I know this wasn't the intended image but for me it was still powerful. I really liked this so you should have more faith in yourself and I apologize for the long comment.-Kenji
| Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by Kenji Light | [ Reply to This ]
  Innocence nothing but a remembrance,
an acquaintance from infancy
that with intimacy was blown to dust.
Purity was merely the misleading crust
hiding and blinding the world from lust.

that is just exquisite writing, i think. you underestimate your talent, my brother. this is quite a good poem. more than good, i would say, this is excellent! write on, poet man!
| Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  I saw your remark in the shout box. I don't know really. There are probably a lot of folks that can't write a crit up to the level of your poems. The site discourages the "I really liked it" style of crits, and probably they are right to do so. Also, you mentioned a lot of looks. Not to bum you out, but I bet a lot of them take a quick peak and never read the poem. Either because they are looking for a six line snippet (so they can write "nice one") or because they are looking for something more gingerbread and sunshine. But I don't think you should feel bad about any of this. When you buy a gallon of milk at the store, the other eighty six jugs don't feel bad because you didn't take them along, ya know? Now I haven't said a thing about this poem, but you are writing beyond me, so "nice one"
I have nothing to criticize on it. But even though we don't write the same way, I share your feelings about the way the system works. And I wish you luck and offer respect for what you are doing.
peace,
Dave
| Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
  well i'm going to hell anyway.lol. this is a really cool piece.i think it sux that the corruption is starting at younger ages now a days.you have a lot more skill than you give yourself credit for. keep up the good work!
Star
| Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by shootingstar | [ Reply to This ]
  Your style reminds me of Poe. :0) (Compliment of course)

"Innocence nothing but a remembrance,
an acquaintance from infancy
that with intimacy was blown to dust.
Purity was merely the misleading crust
hiding and blinding the world from lust."

This whole stanza was brilliant. I feel it. Awesome piece you have here!
| Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by LadyInRed88 | [ Reply to This ]
  Actually, I really loved the ending. It's true. I think this is going into my faves as a reminder of how we all need God in our lives, and that without Jesus Christ, we'd all be going to Hell. Great Write!
| Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by jlpurvis2001 | [ Reply to This ]
  the last line was wonderfull! it is really good. it wraps the poem up quite nicely! it is sad but i can't say anything and i like sad poems. "Innocence nothing but a remembrance,
an acquaintance from infancy
that with intimacy was blown to dust.
Purity was merely the misleading crust
hiding and blinding the world from lust."
i love this stansa! it has ral emotion flow every thing a poem needs! it is really good.
~Shadow
| Posted on 2004-08-26 00:00:00 | by Moonshadow | [ Reply to This ]
  It was even better! I think the revisions really made this piece perfect. I want to add it to my fav's list if you don't mind. Though I doubt you will. I know you don't feel like this was your best work but I think it was really good.-Kenji
| Posted on 2004-06-28 00:00:00 | by Kenji Light | [ Reply to This ]
  excellent job...loved the range of vocabulary, your pushed yourself to be very educated and sincere...two musts in writting...i think the part that made it so great for me tho was the fact that we write about things so closely related that it was a perfect flow between both the literary and emotional intrigue...one to follow
| Posted on 2004-06-28 00:00:00 | by Sky McEntire | [ Reply to This ]
  For not writting poems that ryhme that often I'd say this is aweome! You dowrite like Edgar Allen Poe. He always put an errie but captivating mood in his poetry. You have a unique and strange vocabulary. The way you put all the stanzas together was brilliant. Lots of dark imagrey appeared in my mid when reading this. You weren't lying when you said your writing was dark hehe. You've got talent and something extordinary that seperates you from other writers. You put a lot of hard work into your writing and it really shows. Your writngi fantasti. Keep it up.
| Posted on 2004-06-29 00:00:00 | by Emmalee | [ Reply to This ]
  ::sigh:: i really can't comment on this piece. i'm so sorry. when i read it, i get this image of thise one scene from movie where a girl is trying out for lead singer in a band, and she's reciting this horribly forced poetry with emphasis on all the rhymes...and since i just read in the shoutbox it's your first attempt at rhyming or whatever...i just cant get that out of my head to focus on the words. but i didn't want to be one of those people that reads, and doesn't comment...so here's a comment. heh. sorry
| Posted on 2004-06-29 00:00:00 | by deadlydarkdevil | [ Reply to This ]

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