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Submission Name: Contact dots

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Author:	awastedsky
Elite Ratio:	5.48 - 103/120/80
Words:	46

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	129
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	426

Description:
Plain rose.

Contact

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Body is
having
difficulty
stuck in time-reality,
mythological
feeling, so
tender, unemotional and untouched.
Cold.
Stopped and
it's unreal,
uncaring,
scaring the demons themselves
with silver-smiling images in the mirror.

The tip-toes of destruction
do make more ungodly noise
than the footsteps of the pure.

Submitted on 2007-12-11 18:33:55 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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||| Comments |||
  BTW I don't entirely agree with trent when he wrote "a poem about longing should make me feel your longing" because I think that you can be clever in approaching the topic; like what you did. Instead of striking it head on, you got around and rode it. I applaud you for that.

However, I do agree with him on the level that you should try to make this piece a little less detached than it is. It feels distant, and with that distance it could be easily misinterpreted by most people as something pretentious. And as most of us may know, poetry (well, actually, art in general) is not for the kids who are "pretty" because they know what "pretty" is... it is for the kids who are "pretty" because they have the talent to make ugly things beautiful... and they're not afraid to look "ugly" doing it.

Passion is, after all, the best all in one face product. Let it show.
| Posted on 2007-12-11 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  I think it is missing a middle stanza to bridge the two stanzas. The transition, I think, maybe too abrupt to allow the initial stanza to catch that ending.

Personally, I don't have a problem with a dark perspective of - what seems to me as - a need that is so bad that it unleashes the destructive (self or otherwise) nature of a person. So, I think you did a solid job in choosing the manner of construction you used to present this with.

But I think there are too many gaps that need to be filled in order for it to be effective. But of course, that is just my opinion. I could very well be wrong.

Anyway... good luck with this.
| Posted on 2007-12-11 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  ummm well it doesnt really flow or anything i mean yes it makes sense but only to the jaded mind. it should make sense to the essence of your soul and to your heart if it is about longing. a poem about longing should make me feel your longing dont you think? great attempt but maybe edit it? take it as constructive not as a insult ok?
| Posted on 2007-12-11 00:00:00 | by trent | [ Reply to This ]

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