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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "Anxiety Nervosa?"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: barefootangel
    ASL Info:    17/male/
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 70/49/15
    Words: 135
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 935
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1018



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"Anxiety Nervosa?"dots
    -------------------------------------------




    Fatigue creeping over me
    camoflagued, it softly tramples;
    a lethargic oxymoron.

    I don't know where it comes from,
    in cynical cliché I'll tell you
    that it come from mysterious lands,
    faraway and free.

    But in all honesty it comes from...
    from where?
    Within?
    Hah, another bloody cliché.

    And so as the exhustion grows worse,
    so does my language.
    You know I'm not normally like this,
    listless, lethargic, liberated?

    Alliteration, it's back to basics.
    What rhymes with rhyme,
    chime?

    Pacing, like a caged phoenix,
    wings scraping the sides of my prison,
    strips of flesh and feather,
    flaying from my bones.

    Samander, my phoenix, my brother.
    Where are you??
    Dumn question, I know where you are.
    Not here. That's for sure.








    Submitted on 2007-12-13 13:14:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Consider Revising: Maybe the title. I am not sure the structure/point of the poem matches it even though the character in this piece is clearly on edge. It is pretty clever and witty but if you wanted (and I have no suggestions) perhaps make it even funnier - though it was pretty funny - since the poem is using humor. Other than that, nothing.

    Praises: Good language and flow. You start correct and gradually descend into bad grammar, which is the point of the poem. You introduce the poem well by saying 'fatigue' and then illustrate it throughout. Good, solid language such as 'phoenix' and 'chime' and 'dumn.' The character's development throughout the piece is done soundly from beginning to end in witty and clever fashion.

    Overall: A (and I am a hard critic). You adhere to the 'show don't tell' rule in this write and illustrate fatigue and shotty work that accompanies it in a clear and quietly humorous manner. The poem aims for a specific target and hits it magnificently. As a poet, you know what you're doing.

    I'm reading Billy Collins and I'd recommend you give him a read - you'll like it.
    | Posted on 2007-12-20 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]
      There was definitely something here. You so cleverly manipulated your words when you wrote about clichés, alliteration, scraped wings against the bars. It's like you're venting, but not the venting where you're exploding and letting your anger out raw, it's the deadly anger in which your being quiet and subtle reveals emotions that run deeper than any violent venting could. Your words whisper of betrayal and hurt, a speech you will never give because that other person doesn't deserve any words from you.

    Although this issue is not of the utmost importance, I noted several spelling mistakes. It's not very pleasing to the eye, and also, your put two question marks at the second line of your last stanza. That, I feel, really takes away the strength of your words. You are swearing anger and hatred, yet the two question marks leave you looking too weak and unsure. In addition to that, your last line was not empowering enough. It's like all that anger had suddenly left you deflated and too lifeless to go on. You specifically mention that you are quickly losing energy, and it is possible that you do want an irony in the last phase of your poem, but to show that, you needed to emphasize the specific last line "Not here. That's for sure" and change it to sound much more bitter tasting.

    Other than that, I don't feel that anything distracted from the piece at all. The mention of alliteration and loss of style of words only added more to it. I can tell that this was well thought out. It was a relief to read so many plays on words.

    Helen
    | Posted on 2007-12-13 00:00:00 | by contra mindy | [ Reply to This ]


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