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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bring Me Your Lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Niphredil
    ASL Info:    18/f/WA
    Elite Ratio:    7.1 - 953/322/28
    Words: 309
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1973
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1871



    Description:
       Okay, so I'm probably going to get reamed for the repition here, but there is a reason for it. One, because this is sort of an old-fashinoned love story and they did use a lot of repititon then. And it's really meant to be either read aloud or with conscious rhythm, so the repition is like the cadence of the poem. And there's sort of a play on words which helps conclude it. So at least consider that before commenting.

    Another thing, this is a little bit "Oklahoma!" style because I'm in the play right now, hence the first stanza with silver buckles and sugar dishes. It's a direct reference. But anyways, here it is.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBring Me Your Lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Bring it to me - your love, my love
    Bring me your pink-cheeked girlish wishes
    Of silver buckles and sugar dishes
    And shimmering ponds with dancing fishes,
    Bring them to me, my love

    Bring it to me - your love, my love
    Bring me your tales with soft-spoke grace
    With hot summer days and hatless haste
    And picnics with petticoats carefully placed,
    Bring them to me, my love

    Bring it to me - your love, my love
    Bring me your autumn soul's delight
    Your eyes aglow and sparkling bright
    And sketching with words the stars alight,
    Bring it to me, my love

    Bring it to me - your love, my love
    Bring me your rapture of first snowfall
    And watching the stream go from trickle to crawl
    Tell me these things when I come to call,
    And bring it to me, my love.

    Bring it to me - your love, my love
    Bring me your finds when spring does bloom
    When winter has met its yearly doom
    When flower is bride, and bee is groom,
    Bring it to me, my love

    Bring it to me - your love, my love
    Bring me your heart when it's been rejected
    When your caring spirit's been misdirected
    I'll give you a glass to show beauty reflected,
    Bring it to me, my love

    Bring it to me - your love, my love
    Bring me your warmth when days are cold
    When I realize I'm growing old
    When all my stories have just been told,
    Bring it to me, my love

    Bring it to me - your love, my love
    Bring me your quiet trust in need
    Your wish that Death would choke on greed
    Your wanting more to see, to see...
    And I'll give it to you - my love


    2004 Kayla Elmore




    Submitted on 2004-06-25 15:01:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow... I know I already commented on this and added it to my favorites a long long time ago, but I went back and read it again today and once again I'm just blown away. You're amazing.
    | Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by LadyInRed88 | [ Reply to This ]
      The visions that captured my senses when I read this...I could see the two of you through out the seasons, slowly growing older together. You've painted a beautiful portrait, not just a story, of love in its purest form. And, I truly Hate to say this...but for one so young, you've got a very powerful emotion inside of you, and a deeply intact talent. Feh on whomever thinks this to be too long. Tell them to read Walter Raleigh or Edgar Allen Poe...they wrote some of the longest poems, and they were Brilliant. Glue sniffers indeed *giggles* It was beautiful, darling. To the favorites it goes. Be well
    | Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by nebnim | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you did really well with this piece, it may been a while since it was posted but it was great anyway. The structure was very well kept to throughout and I admire you for sticking to it in such a long poem. The repetition also ties in well and I also like the "old-fahioned" love story, as you descibe it, behind this. Great write!
    | Posted on 2004-11-25 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      "Bring it to me - your love, my love
    Bring me your finds when spring does bloom
    When winter has met its yearly doom
    When flower is bride, and bee is groom,
    Bring it to me, my love"

    I adore that stanza. Why in the world were you worried that people would dislike the repitition? I thought it was wonderful, and I honestly think I could sit here all day reading this piece outloud. I'm a sucker for old-fashioned love stories... so you had my admiration on this piece from the very begginning! This is going to my favorites!
    | Posted on 2005-01-08 00:00:00 | by LadyInRed88 | [ Reply to This ]
      sorry I would have commented earlier but i had to go somewhere and i forgot. the reason i like this poem so much is that the rhyming seems to flow in a way i can never recreate. I don't think the rhyming hurts the poem at all in fact I think it would be much worse without it. The progression through the seasons is a theme I've seen before but you use some great imagery to create it. The ONLY thing I would change (seriously i wouldn't change anything else) would be the second to last line. The repetition of to see just doesn't seem to fit in. It's like you get used to rhyming and rhythmic perfection throughout the peice then that line just throws you off. I wouldn't change the very last line becuase it concludes very well.
    You could change the line to "to see to plead" or "to see, not bleed"
    I can't really give too great of a suggestion because only you know completely what you want this piece to say. If you don't change it it's still my favorite so don't feel like I'm pressuring you. This is great. Adjectives have never failed so miserably than when put next to this poem.
    | Posted on 2004-09-13 00:00:00 | by jonsmithy | [ Reply to This ]
      I am glad I commented before reading the other reviews, What the heck is wrong with people? Do they not know that some poetry is pages and pages long? Do they ever read poetry publications? I did not think this piece was long at all. I would have read it if it had gone on longer and relished the words you delivered. Words like these are a gift and people are selfish. Like okay, I read through this thing and gave you a meaningless comment so not come read mine and do the same...Makes me want to scream.

    I am sorry to go on like this. I happen to think this is an outstanding poem. We need more like this on the site. Maybe those people should stick to Haiku and Limerick poetry.
    | Posted on 2004-07-09 00:00:00 | by angela~ | [ Reply to This ]
      I am going to write this before reading what anyone else has said about the piece...

    I love it! I found myself reading it in this sing-song fashion and went back and sang it again out loud. (I am glad no one is home.)

    There is no problem whatsoever with the repeating. In fact, it ADDED to it in my opinion. I just wanted to clap my hands and have you take a bow. It could BE a song in a musical play.

    There is one line I stumbled over. I tried it a few times and never could get it to come out quite right.

    "And sketching with words the still stars alight,"

    It is a lovely line but seems a little awkward with the rest of the piece. Maybe take out "and" & "the"...sketching with words, still stars alight,

    I loved the whole thing. Flower as bride and bee as groom..so many nature references. I absolutely adore poetry like this.

    My favorite stanza's:

    Bring it to me - your love, my love
    Bring me your heart when it's been rejected
    When your caring spirit's been misdirected
    I'll give you a glass to show beauty reflected,
    Bring it to me, my love

    This one expressed such an unselfish love. She is being offered all the emotional support she will need and he will be her safety net to catch her if she falls. He will show her the beauty reflected...great words!

    I also loved:

    Bring it to me - your love, my love
    Bring me your quiet trust in need
    Your wish that Death would choke on greed
    Your wanting more to see, to see...
    And I'll give it to you - my love

    It took a more serious turn. Not so lighthearted. Like what he wants to share with her is no less than everything. Her hopes, dreams, fears...all of it.
    I myself, would like to see Death choke on greed. Excellent line!

    I love how the last line was altered from the preceding ending lines of the stanza's, "And I'll give it you." What a fitting way to end the poem. If she brings all these things to him, he will in return give them all to her. A complete sharing of two people's lives. *sniff...So lovely.
    | Posted on 2004-07-09 00:00:00 | by angela~ | [ Reply to This ]
       and it's true, too! *grumbles* too many glue sniffers... Nothing wrong with length, nothing wrong with structure, nothing wrong with it at all... and you may not have satisfied some of these fellows, but if it satisfies you, it's golden.
    | Posted on 2004-06-26 00:00:00 | by Eggman | [ Reply to This ]
      What the hell? I swear, people these days don't know good poetry at all and need to get a kick in the pants. Why are they whining about the length? Its not like its a book or something. People with their comments using words like "aight" and "ykno". What is that anyway? Anywho, for those of us who can read and don't have A.D.D. on this site (the few, the proud) will say this piece rocked cuz it truely did. Everyone else sniffs too much glue.
    ~Aaron
    | Posted on 2004-06-26 00:00:00 | by MusingMinstrel | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the repetition here. it works very well. the flow was great. but it got a bit long in the end. there's a bit linearity in it - summer, autumn, winter and spring. but the 6th stanza breaks it and then the last ones are about you getting old and dying. it is the story of a love/life but it's vague and therefore a little hard to follow. but I liked it nonetheless.it's good.
    | Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice poem... felt a bit too long.. but then again I'm just an impaitent person. teehee. Anyways it seemed to have a good flow to it.. but maybe you need too put a bit more emotion into it. I wasn't quite feeling it. Still good though.
    | Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by melancholystar | [ Reply to This ]
      It was a pretty good poem and it was alot to read but still good. It flowed nicely but maybe you need a mre powerful ending to it. Just a suggestion and other than that it was alright. Check out some of my work sometimes. talk to ya later,
    Jan
    | Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by Jan | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, it was ok, but for all that reading, I kinda expected more bang at the end ykno? Also the stanzas seemed to be in a kinda haphazard order: i couldn't figure out any pattern or progression. I think this sort of thing definitely needs some sort of linearity, especially if ppl are gonna read it outloud. Most ppl like definied endings to their stories ykno...
    shard
    | Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
      Pretty good alil Long winded but i liked it u kno kinda long if anything i would change i might shorten it to hold the reader a lil more and get them more involved all and all a good read check out my work sometime i'm NO Talent aight
    | Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by No Talent | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the repetition works wonderfully, especially because it is a longer read,--the repeated parts string the various stanzas together like graduated pearls--so each is enjoyed for it's own beauty--and yet there is a stunning shining cohesiveness that keeps the reader focused...and travelling through the seasons of the year and of Life with your beautiful imagery. This is a love poem of gentle yet relentless passion, ---flowing like a glacial creek , pure , sparkling and weaving endlessly through the changing landscapes of the year.
    No I don not think it too long, I could have gone on reading even more as each stanza was like opening yet another special gift, tied up with the same bright ribbon ,--eliciting yet another oohh or ahhh

    "Bring it to me - your love, my love
    Bring me your heart when it's been rejected
    When your caring spirit's been misdirected
    I'll give you a glass to show beauty reflected,
    Bring it to me, my love"
    These lines are so beautiful to me, the idea that if only our loved ones could SEE how precious they are in our eyes---feel what we feel---then healing of hurts and pain could be instantaneous---the lover would give his all to make his beloved happy---to share in her joy, pain, and everything in between,
    I can't believe anyone could have anything so negative to say here--I can see or rather feel a few bumps in rythym--but that never bothers me much as i do that all the time. My pieces don't spring forth perfectly like Ode to Joy--but rather evolve, and i find that in posting them after doing my best--sometimes the glitches become immediately apparent,--or others find them and offer suggestions---or more often than not, the piece is just fine the way it sits--in this poem I keep tripping over "And sketching with words the still stars alight,"
    Perhaps the alliteration of the "still stars" slows the tongue too much--or perhaps there is a stress where there shouldn't be, or a syllable too many?--I have read this 3x so far, and always mean to come to back to that point to see what I can offer as a suggestion---but then i read the rest--and it doesn't seem that important. Wonderful work Kayla
    Silver
    (I was in Oaklahoma also--many moons ago--lol just part of the chorus--but it was soooo fun!--thanks for uncovering that rather dusty memory)
    | Posted on 2004-07-11 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is a tremendous piece of writing for one so young. Looks like you have some great crit going so I'll cop-out but I do want to say how impressed I am with your rhythm, imagery, and inspired words choices...the flower's the bride, the bee's the groom...excellent. I'll check out more of your stuff. Keep that good thing going. Daniel. ps...the repitition is a device you've used to great affect.
    | Posted on 2004-08-28 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      well it's ok, but it needs more heart felt connections. Also it's kinda long for todays standards.
    Hey I have seen the movie a few times, but not a drama play. I think it's great that you are involved with this thingy. keep it up and good luck.
    | Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by hotrodruss | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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