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lights


Author: thewantedwords
ASL Info:    28 male sydney
Elite Ratio:    0.35 - 40 /40 /37
Words: 43
Class/Type: Misc /Serious
Total Views: 867
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 329



Description:




lights



Seasons change so do faces,
Life in the fast lane changing spaces,
Lost roads and winding bends,
Only mission is making ends,
Intersections,roundabouts and flashing lights,
Pubs,clubs and lasting fights,
Bumps,grinds and so called smashes,
When the lights are out life it crashes.




Submitted on 2007-12-14 22:34:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Overall I like this piece, but I still feel there are some inconsistencies that could be worked out, to complete this write.
The harmonic rhymes seems inappropriate considering the disharmonies state of the theme. I would suggest you lose the rhymes to emphasise the breaks and pace instead.
As Someones Epiphany have already said, the last line is a bit off. I see this as a consequence of you rhymes. You have to force this ending, to keep into the scheme. Reworking the structure around something central within the text would be refreshing.


Seasons change so do faces,
Life in the fast lane changing spaces,
The second line really sets the pace and the theme (the metaphor) of the write. But then when I look back at the first line, I see the inconsistency. I sounds smart or clever, all depending on the eyes who see it, but it really have no depth or impact. Neither the seasons not the faces are used or referenced in the rest of the piece, which just makes this line hang there, as a pretty little phrase. It would be worth it to just remove it, not rewrite it in any way, as the text works fine without it. Then you let "Life in the fast lane changing spaces," open up the text. You might consider a line break after 'life in the fast lane'. Though it is a cliché, I see it work in the context.

apart from these notes, the content and theme is great, and the wording and allusions really make it stand out.

All best,
tZar
| Posted on 2008-03-22 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
  i liked this piece til the last line.
it could be a lack of punctuation that causes me to dislike the last line but there is something awkward about it that doesnt sit with me [though the sentiment behind the line works completely]


i think you should give more thought to the presentation of this piece.
you have some cool ideas in this piece and your imagery all works together wonderfully well but it seems so condensed and, as a result, somewhat forced. i think it could be a whole lot more if you thought about line breaks a little more and got a little creative.


i especially like the bumps grinds and so called smashes line because its like you are talking about car accidents but also "dancing" and fighting in clubs too so the words create more images in mind... quite economic of you

good work.
| Posted on 2008-03-09 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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