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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Becoming Stardustdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raven_TheWolf
    ASL Info:    16/F/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.95 - 128/128/63
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 160
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 795



    Description:
       I need to get back to playing here. I've been pretty busy with health issues recently, but I'm hoping to make a permanent return to this lovely website soon.

    Moving on, I think that the end kind of leaves it on an awkward note, since the rhyme scheme disspears.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBecoming Stardustdots
    -------------------------------------------


    When the stars stain the sun,
    and clouds fall to the ground;
    Who will be there to comfort you,
    In this moment of blue?

    As the moon turns into dust,
    and Pluto self destructs;
    What is there in your chest,
    that makes you hate all the rest?

    While Mercury devours Venus,
    and constellations dissapear;
    Lonesome child, close your eyes
    You don't have to watch their demise

    If King Neptune slays the sun,
    and Saturn's rings suffocate her;
    Impatient wolf, bide your time
    Give it a moment, they will align

    Our satellites have rebelled,
    we are now but rogue debris;
    Listen, child; carefully;
    In the atmosphere, we will wait for you




    Submitted on 2007-12-16 08:38:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The theme was quite interesting as well as some of the imagery that was displayed. However, I felt that the rhyme scheme sounded rather forced and strained. It seems as if you had striven jolly hard in order to make the lines have a certain rhythm and that shows through. I surmise that the aforesaid issue has to do with the kind of words that you used. Maybe, you need to forget about the rhyme a little bit and display your feelings without having to frame them. Also, I must say that the flow also gets hindered by the aforementioned problem, that’s merely my opinion.

    I did like the surreal quality of the poem though.


    Feel free to cast aside all I've said.


    Warm regards,

    Ethan
    | Posted on 2007-12-16 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the fact that the rhyme scheme dissappears towards the end. It is appropriate as the mood of the poem also changes in the last stanza. The first three stanzas are more lonesome and questioning, the fourth stanza gives gentle advice and the last stanza is completley different , giving a less lonesome and more comforting message of companionship .
    | Posted on 2007-12-16 00:00:00 | by barefootangel | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
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