Description: I wrote this a few days ago. Any kind of comments is welcomed. If you tell me what you think about it or give me some insides I will read and comment on your writes. Even if you hate this please let me know, it'd mean a lot to me.
Thanks a lot.
Ethan
Fragmented Pieces of a Colourless Existence -------------------------------------------
Caged in a world of naught
Thrown at this land by accident
Discombobulated by the fake
Awoken with rocks and sticks
Pushed forward by the ignorant
Disregarded by Neo–Pharisees
Tortured by standards
Blinded by their make-up
Drawn by gory slices of reality
Desperate to be just
Muddled with what’s foul and fair
And eager to be senseless all over again!
http://www.moriel.org/articles/discernment/church_issues/neo_pharisees.htm
i had to look up this link to find out what you might've meant by this term in fuller detail; what was written there ties in with the rest of your piece.
what you speak of here to me underneath is inner tension with christian ideology, how you fit or don't fit in with this, and how... there are so many questions which don't fit any dogmatic framework, regardless of how we may reframe that question to produce the most desired answer. and really, isn't that what we want out of this turmoil and confusion? answers which are never clearly delineated, never made "aha!", and so forth.
you question your spiritual existence, the senseless violence in this world, and the double standards which flourish, much to everyone's detriment.
Retrogression? This is indeed fragmented pieces, though not at all disjointed. Reading a book right now by Mark Helprin, and without being religious, it talks a lot about the underlying themes and plans that exist, despite what may seem like random and unrelated events, places and times. Not sure that I agree totally, but this piece reminds me of that sort of sentiment. The steady but staccato movement through existence.
At first it feels like you're speaking in the general:
"Caged in a world of naught
Thrown at this land by accident"
The whole of the world, born out of a mass of unidentified particles and elements coming together and forming over the millennia to create our current state. But then you get more specific, as if certain groups are now the focus of outside forces, some of which are manmade:
"Pushed forward by the ignorant
Disregarded by Neo–Pharisees"
These seem to be two divergent thoughts, the first referencing the wise and intelligent trapped by the will of the masses, the next the poor, the working, and the unrepresented who's fates are often determined by those who cannot and do not understand nor care for their condition.
Then, we all wish to be senseless again, to live and die of our own volition, though naturally that too is a false dichotomy. While we may no longer be subservient to societal and cultural norms and mores, we now face the unrelenting assault of the land itself, which could not care less of our noble intentions of ignorance and truth.
Then again, I'm probably misinterpreting the whole thing.
Overall though I very much like this piece. It paints a picture in cubes, Picasso, through which we see whole forms taking shape. It is the sound of white noise, ever present, often ignored and more harmonious than we often give it credit for.
I would love to hear more about your intentions for this poem. Very nice, if not slightly disconcerting work.
I'm confused here. I think that it's the comma usage that is throwing me off. I'm not sure where your thoughts begin or end. Gives a whole new meaning to fragmented though!
I understand not using puncuation as a stylistic choice, but when it inhibits understanding...not so good.
some small things I noticed:
Awaken -> awoken
pushed forwards -> pushed forward
andd "Just Desperate to be just,"
that just seemed off.
getting the petty anal stuff out of the way.
I think that this has potential. it's interesting, and the first couple lines showed that. I enjoyed the ending of it as well. Light hearted, which isn't seen so often.
Let me know if you decide to edit this piece, I'd love to re-read it.
Submission Name: Fragmented Pieces of a Colourless Existence 
