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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sail With Medots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Astair
    ASL Info:    19/F/USA
    Elite Ratio:    6.79 - 15/6/11
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 749
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 667



    Description:
       Thoughts on my first trip on a container ship. I went through the Mediterranean.

    I'm trying to be a better poet, any suggestions and pointers are appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSail With Medots
    -------------------------------------------


    Adventure did mislead me
    I found no hope out there
    Where horses leapt and teased me
    The wind bit at my hair

    A land of foam and glory
    So quickly cast aside
    With every age-told story
    Made better by a lie

    Let rotting wood confine me
    Describe it if you dare
    Pull the ship into the lee
    Defy the proven care

    Innocence forgotten
    As child tendencies bare
    The net that I was caught in
    Before I went out there

    Save me from the memíry
    Return my stolen youth
    Guarded by a sentry
    At Gibraltarís bloody tooth




    Submitted on 2007-12-19 11:34:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I have to be honest here, since you want to be a better writer as do everyone else. I think that it sounded too forceful. The rhymes seemed like you tried to make it rhyme too much. repetition of words at the ending of the poems are usually good, but this time it didn't work since it is such a simple word: there.

    I really liked this line however because this is what I call a flow: With every age-told story
    Made better by a lie

    it sounded like you didn't try to hard and that it just poured out from your heart. I like the concept of "made better by a lie" because many times ppl lie to make things a little better than what things really are.
    You should try to go further in detail or add metaphors or similes in your poems.

    Overall, I think this was a good start. Keep writing. I hope to see more of your works in the future!

    --Fearless
    | Posted on 2008-01-18 00:00:00 | by Fearless | [ Reply to This ]
      Really like this poem. It had such great flow. It was very original! My favorite part would have to be

    "The wind bit at my hair"

    Awsome wording! Your poem gave me an really good image and story in my head. Another thing I really liked about this poem was that you used proper grammer.

    Britt
    | Posted on 2007-12-19 00:00:00 | by CaughtRedhanded | [ Reply to This ]


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    154645

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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    January 10 07
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