Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Defeatdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sir Fusting
    Elite Ratio:    1.38 - 5/33/25
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 762
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 631



    Description:
       Was trying to work on my imagery, I'd like to know how I did. Also, I'm trying to work on my endings, trying to make them powerful and something that sticks. Let me know how I did, don't hold back! I don't take it personally, so have at it! =]

    -Dustin


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDefeatdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Crack of the bone, Smack on my face,
    Punch in the arm, Mind out in space,
    Sky light is bright, Dust in the air,
    Slow down the time, Brush back my hair,
    Gather my mind, Pick up my hands,
    Swing once for her, Not going as planned,
    Head on the floor, Blood in the dirt,
    Spine in a knot, Under my shirt,
    Vision is blurry, Nothing but black,
    Cuts on my hands, Just can't fight back,
    Shoes in a mess, Slip on my feet,
    Fall to the ground, Rise up to my knees,
    Final blow lands, My whole body's beat,
    Fall to the ground, and accept defeat.




    Submitted on 2007-12-19 23:03:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well, you said you were trying to work on your imagery, and you did a good job of that. You created the physical world of a fight, so that one can create a picture in their mind. My only criticism is that this poem isn't very deep. You don't connect with the reader's emotions.
    Keep writing, you have talent.
    | Posted on 2007-12-20 00:00:00 | by emochick13 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    154683

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry