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    dots Submission Name: Defeatdots

    Author: Sir Fusting
    Elite Ratio:    1.38 - 5/33/25
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 826
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 631

       Was trying to work on my imagery, I'd like to know how I did. Also, I'm trying to work on my endings, trying to make them powerful and something that sticks. Let me know how I did, don't hold back! I don't take it personally, so have at it! =]


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Crack of the bone, Smack on my face,
    Punch in the arm, Mind out in space,
    Sky light is bright, Dust in the air,
    Slow down the time, Brush back my hair,
    Gather my mind, Pick up my hands,
    Swing once for her, Not going as planned,
    Head on the floor, Blood in the dirt,
    Spine in a knot, Under my shirt,
    Vision is blurry, Nothing but black,
    Cuts on my hands, Just can't fight back,
    Shoes in a mess, Slip on my feet,
    Fall to the ground, Rise up to my knees,
    Final blow lands, My whole body's beat,
    Fall to the ground, and accept defeat.

    Submitted on 2007-12-19 23:03:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Well, you said you were trying to work on your imagery, and you did a good job of that. You created the physical world of a fight, so that one can create a picture in their mind. My only criticism is that this poem isn't very deep. You don't connect with the reader's emotions.
    Keep writing, you have talent.
    | Posted on 2007-12-20 00:00:00 | by emochick13 | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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