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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Great Captain, my father, is dead.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: nomad knight
    Elite Ratio:    6.66 - 110/75/41
    Words: 165
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 1403
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1106



    Description:
       Though I have started what must be several different poems about the death of my father, this is the first of them that i have completed.

    Some of you may recognize that I found my inspiration for this piece in Walt Whitman's poem "Oh Captain!, My Captain!." Where mine is different can be seen in the first line of Walt Whitman's Poem: "O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done"

    While I was looking upon my father's body, lying on the floor by his bedside where the paramedics had tried to revive him, the line "Oh Captain, My Captain!" surfaced in my mind and has often since that night. So i decided to write my own poem with that line.

    It's not one of my best works, but for a first draft i'm pretty happy with it. Despite the subject matter, please give me any advice or Ideas you may have on how to improve this piece.

    by the way, the lack of an exclamation mark on the last Captain is on purpose.



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Great Captain, my father, is dead.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Oh Captain, my Captain!
    Your cold body lies before me
    And the voyage is far from over

    Dark clouds approach from the north
    The wind brings worries of a storm
    Swiftly we batten down the hatches
    To face the future fury without you

    Oh Captain, my Captain!
    Your still body lies before me
    And many battles remain yet to be won

    The exchange of burning shot and shell
    Splintering of wood and tearing of sail
    Our courage and spirit of fighting hard
    Forever undirected by your command

    Oh Captain, my Captain!
    Your grey body lies before me
    And open sea is all my eyes behold

    I have your maps with all your markings
    The tools of navigation weigh them down
    I am so unsure if I can read them right
    My knowledge so much lacking to your own

    Oh Captain, my Captain
    Your dead body lies before me
    And it feels so very far from port




    Submitted on 2007-12-20 03:06:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I can understand how difficult it is to write about the death of someone who was so close to you, but you did it marvelously. The emotion that went into this piece is immeasurable, and it's evident.

    "I have your maps with all your markings
    The tools of navigation weigh them down
    I am so unsure if I can read them right
    My knowledge so much lacking to your own"

    That stanza completely blew me away. It was creative and extremely well written.

    I like how you didn't use the last exclamation point, it emphasized the saddness and the last line really hit it home.

    This was brilliant, and I am so very sorry for your loss.

    -Sandi
    | Posted on 2007-12-20 00:00:00 | by Dimension_X | [ Reply to This ]
      Quite moving of a piece, even if the reader is unaware of what it is about (I read descriptions after the poem, to make sure it'll still make sense).


    The only suggestion I can give you is get rid of the double spacing. For some reason, that just throws me off.


    I'll PM you the rest of my comment...
    | Posted on 2007-12-20 00:00:00 | by Secrets Unheard | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Nomad,

    Firstly, sincere condolences, xo.

    In this poem, you are highly successful conveying the shock of your sudden and profound loss. The use of repetition, both words and theme, have been applied with good effect. Congratulations on this!

    Additionally, I was moved by your obvious love for your Dad. Thanks for sharing this!

    My suggestions are:
    1. Consider changing 'THE voyage' to 'MY voyage'. Use of 'THE' includes the reader, though it is too soon to include us in a voyage without establishing some context and expectation. I found myself circum-navigating additional neural pathways, working out the nuances of 'MY Captain' and 'THE voyage'.
    2. Also, perhaps play with references to the past and present tense? Every other stanza unfolds a story that progresses chronologically, though the repeated theme of the captain lying before the lamentor, is written in present tense. Perhaps all figuratively takes place over a day or two, though it did raise questions in my mind and disrupt the flow of an otherwise fine piece!

    Again, condolences for your loss and well done on this poem!

    B
    | Posted on 2007-12-20 00:00:00 | by biska | [ Reply to This ]


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    154690

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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