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    dots Submission Name: A Ghost of Your Memoriesdots

    Author: annie smith
    ASL Info:    20/f
    Elite Ratio:    5.26 - 75/61/24
    Words: 163
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 900
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1042

       yup yup/ the feeling of invisability...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Ghost of Your Memoriesdots

    I see the happiness
    In your smile

    I know the joy
    In your eyes

    I hear the laughter
    Upon your lips

    I feel the confidence
    In your walk

    I know that smile
    You used before
    But itís not given
    To me any more

    I remember your eyes
    Locking on me
    But though Iím here
    Now they never see me

    I long for the lightness of your laughter
    Even sot and sweet on the phone
    But thatís a sound you donít hear
    When you are all alone

    Your confident stride
    You always had
    Grew stronger still
    Though our relationship went bad

    I look at you
    But you donít see me

    I call your name
    But you donít hear me

    I sing our song
    But you donít listen

    So it seems, to me, that
    Iím only a ghost
    Iím only a ghost of your memories

    Submitted on 2007-12-20 22:35:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      A very strong and beautiful write that speaks easily to any reader.. The rhyme flows nicely through and I like how the first four stanzas didn't rhyme.. They almost feel like they are setting the stage for the next stanzas that do.. Now, the rhyme in the sixth stanza was a little confusing to me:

    "I remember your eyes
    Locking on me
    But though I'm here
    Now they never see me"

    The rhyming word at the end of the second and fourth lines are the same word, which makes this stanza feel a little out of place with its rhyming scheme to me.. Next, the second line in the seventh stanza I think just has a couple spelling errors:

    "Even sot and sweet on the phone"

    I think you meant to say "Ever soft and sweet on the phone", so I figured I would at least point out the typo.. Lastly, the final stanza the three "I'm"'s in a row seem a little alone without punctuation of any kind.. Personally I would have done something like:


    because it adds that hesitation after each one that I assume you were putting there to begin with.. Anyway, enough from the peanut gallery here..
    Lots of love,

    | Posted on 2008-06-06 00:00:00 | by Maskannai | [ Reply to This ]
      Relationship problems... I know this one a lot. Its a good write, and speak soon. Matt
    | Posted on 2007-12-21 00:00:00 | by Shadow24968 | [ Reply to This ]
      i hope this isnt about the one ex that i dont like :p its ok you have me :P this is good, however you lied to me it does kinda ryme, i like the way you right out of standard, just like me :) i miss you, only 6 more days to go!
    | Posted on 2007-12-21 00:00:00 | by Mr.Ordinary | [ Reply to This ]

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