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Author: lovedeathsdeath
ASL Info:    20/M/NCUSA
Elite Ratio:    5.32 - 41 /43 /35
Words: 188
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1311
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1211


Ok, well some people have told me what they thought and its what I was guessing. The poem is too obscure or the story not well known enough to understand. The story is about when Absalom took the kingdom away from his father David. It is from the point of view of David. "Her" is the kingdom. The story begins at Absalom's uprise and ends at David's lament for Absalom's death. I hope to see what people think now that its explained.


I loved her so much
I fought for her,
I bled for her,
I would die for her.

But you stole her heart
Early in the morning
By the gate that I
Fought so valiantly for.

My sweat and tears were no match
For your crafty words,
Your long soft hair,
Your deep dark eyes,

And your succulent lips
With such a kiss
That in times such as this
she knows not where her mind is.

While you burned her,
She still praised you.
While I cared for her,
She drove me away.

Today the King lives
Wherever the king may be
Riding on the mountain
Or with his head in the tree.

But her heart was detached
From anything she desired.
If it was desire she desired
Then desire is her reward.

But I cannot afford
To loose her to you.

I wept in the gateway
after you were gone.
She returned today
Though you’ll never see dawn.

Oh now my son
Look what I’ve done.
It should have been me.
It should have been me.

Submitted on 2007-12-23 23:45:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I like this peice. It was interesting how you incorporated Absalom and David into it. Although I am not entirely familiar with the story, the part of your work that sparked my interest the most:

"While you burned her,
She still praised you.
While I cared for her,
She drove me away."

Whenever you used the pronoun 'her' and 'she' in the place for the kingdom, it reminded me of a woman that David lost to another person, Absalom, obviously. Good write. I think I will add it to my favorites.

| Posted on 2007-12-27 00:00:00 | by xXCptn_SephyXx | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm lost in this piece. The title invokes images of a wayward son fighting his father's empire, and may even reference Faulkner's rise and fall of the souther lifestyle, but then to read the poem--the only things that point toward the Biblical sense is the "King", "son", and "her" in the story.

I can sort of see the rape in there when you talk about her heart being detatched, but the love story is a bit off.

You have incorporated one of my biggest pet peeves in this poem, as well. I absolutely hate seeing a word repeated over and over again. It's one thing if it works toward an artistic advantage, but the use of "desired" three times in such close proximity makes it seem as though your vocabulary is lacking.

I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to read too much into it and coming short, but this poem seems to have missed the mark as far as its title is concerned.
| Posted on 2007-12-24 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]
   You say a lot and still stay vauge at the same
time. I can tell you have spent a lot time thinkin
about this. And obiovusly the story behind it as
well. It was a good wright. But as a wrigther
I think you could use a little more practice.

Keep it up Man!

| Posted on 2007-12-24 00:00:00 | by oononotthatguy | [ Reply to This ]
  I was trying to identify some reference to some well-known legend ... it's a tale that reads like one! Your metrical instinct or skill is extra special (something I always look for and don't often find!) ... so that it could be sung, free verse or not.

I want to bag one thing ... which you might not actually find important at all! The story told here sort of underlies the character's account of his feelings - the story isn't meant to be out front, I suppose? - but for readers, if they can't follow the story easily (without having to analyze and make deductions) then they don't love the poem so much. Perhaps the story in here is too obscure? Maybe on more stanza or a few altered lines could make the story more clear?

That is because the story wasn't clear to me! But I've been meeting so many national and cultural differences about how to say stuff, on ES here, that I'd also go: well maybe I need to learn something, not you!
| Posted on 2007-12-24 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]

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