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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Look Inside and See Medots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HurtDeepDown
    ASL Info:    24/F/OHIO
    Elite Ratio:    4.2 - 165/161/42
    Words: 139
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 857
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 823



    Description:
       I haven't written in over a year so any critiquing would be very helpfull. It's hard to get back into writing when you've been off for awhile. Any confusions, forced rhyme or anything just let me know!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLook Inside and See Medots
    -------------------------------------------


    If you could look inside and see me
    Would you even look at all
    Would you see the things that I see
    Or would I be standing tall?

    Would you gasp the air that I breathe
    When my days pass by the sun
    Would you find yourself in silence
    Or nervous not to run.

    Would you feel the world beside you
    as you float aside and wave
    Would you see those things that I see?
    Would your world just float away?

    Would your friends ignore your whispers
    would they laugh and point towards you
    As you pass them by years later
    Would you hear their whispers too?

    If you could look inside me
    Would you even look at all
    Would you fix the way I see me
    Cause I fear the day I fall.




    Submitted on 2007-12-25 17:15:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Would your friends ignore your whispers
    would they laugh and point towards you
    As you pass them by years later
    Would you hear their whispers too?

    Maybe I'm having a dumb moment (believe me that IS possible) but, it seems that that stanza is your weakest. It doesn't quite say what all the other stanzas are saying. 'If you looked inside me'.. or 'would you see'.. 'am I this way or that way to you'. You went from asking what someone would see about you, to asking what someone's friends would see about them, and then your last stanza goes right back to talking about you.

    lol I'm so sorry if this is my mistake...but I thought I'd point it out just incase.
    That, and I wasn't sure how strong the rhythm was holding up in that one, I had to read it twice.
    You are really good at what you do though, this proves your writing ability either way. I hope to see more from you :).
    Keep up the awesome work.
    | Posted on 2008-01-05 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
      first of all i can relate to your poem completely it reminds me of when i had been on the highest point in my life only to relaiz that not everyone my freind and see things the same way i do

    i like how you continually rhyme throughout making a warm and steady flow

    i really like this part
    -Would you see those things that I see?
    Would your world just float away?

    your writing reminds me of one of my one which one im not sure but a more recent one im sure hope you keep writing and not stop again

    thanks for the read

    -the girl who cried wolf to much
    | Posted on 2007-12-26 00:00:00 | by BlueTorcher | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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