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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ice Creamdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlueTorcher
    Elite Ratio:    7.33 - 65/34/38
    Words: 217
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 121
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1351



    Description:
       this poem came suddenly to me as i was walking out the door and i just had to sit down and write it


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIce Creamdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She sits on the sidewalk
    So small and content
    As she eats her ice cream
    Under a small tent

    Her worries she buried
    In the ice cream she eats
    Like her face
    That is sticky from her cold treat

    The sun blazes down
    As she squints to look above
    Harming her youg eyes
    But still staring

    As is it were a drug
    Shes young and innocent
    To the world it seems
    She can do no wrong;the beauty queen

    Her ice cream is finished
    But left still is the cone
    She lays in her hand
    Like a dog and a bone

    She bites into it
    Crunching along
    As a nearby by elderly
    Starts to sing a song

    The little girl looks up
    Frightened, at first
    Her fears turning to joy
    As she hears the first verse

    A song of a lover
    A friend so dear
    That even she understands
    Its complex meaning

    The cone gone
    She turns and smiles at the elderly
    Rushing from the tent
    She goes to her mother

    To share with her,
    Her wisdom
    Of the lover and friend
    And her revised version

    Of how they met again









    Submitted on 2007-12-27 00:20:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      it's amazing how much we learn from the elderly, huh? and it's so beautiful to see the youth and elderly shown together, like you did in this work. I loved the mixture of innocence--portrayed by the simplicity of enjoying an ice cream to the fullest--and love--the song.

    yeah, there are some punctuation marks :) and there's also a part where you stopped rhyming--it kinda threw me off (8th stanza, i believe)...

    Also, one part that puzzle me a little as to its interpretation (which is probably just me, but maybe the words could be rearranged...):

    [...]
    She lays in her hand
    Like a dog and a bone
    [...]

    Anyhow, I know the feeling of needing to write something down quickly. Last night I had something so fresh in my mind i pulled out a notebook and pen without turning on the light and just scratched it all down without bothering to look at it until morning (the handwriting was naaaaasty, but thankfully still legible).

    Keep up!

    sweet*peas
    | Posted on 2008-01-13 00:00:00 | by Sweet Peas | [ Reply to This ]
      Very well layed out and clearly spoken. Makes you smile :) I never had the chance to enjoy a childhood like you portrayed in this write, always makes me wonder how it would have been to have things so simple, as ice cream and elderly folks and their songs and stories :P

    good job.. some punctuation work to be done on this.. ( I hate commenting on punctuation because mine is terrible )

    looking forward to more
    | Posted on 2007-12-30 00:00:00 | by fallenone | [ Reply to This ]



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