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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Faded Melodies Play On (For You)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: stefhy
    ASL Info:    21/f/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 165/83/37
    Words: 124
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 881
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 729



    Description:
       Dedicated to those of you who have loved someone with all of your heart, unconditionally, and received nothing in return.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFaded Melodies Play On (For You)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Pen on my paper, words on my lips
    and only a teardrop of ink left to give.
    I'll squeeze it, I'll etch it -take blood from my heart.
    Just to show you the side of me, that's been torn apart.

    I'll paint you a picture, with the brush I have made.
    The piece of my soul, that - for you- has remained.
    It's stayed for your smile, but is only one bristle strong
    -Yet it dances with colour (that's been yours all along)

    The wick of my spirit, disappears in your flame
    -but when I fade away, I'll remember your name.

    Pen on my paper, words on my lips
    This tiny bit left of me, is all I can give.




    Submitted on 2007-12-27 04:38:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      @_@ Nothing but praise from me on this one... Love can be so many things... I love how Creative this is. It makes me wanna paint again... I don't know why I stopped in the first place. >.>
    | Posted on 2011-01-22 00:00:00 | by ShadowsnLights | [ Reply to This ]
      I didn't mention this in my other "critique" but this would make an excellent song (I just sung it to myself lol)

    Duv
    | Posted on 2008-02-07 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
      well you wanted some feedback on this, so ill give you mine, though i shall be the first to admit i am no great poet.

    firstly it IS a bit short. but i suppose it doesnt matter as the japanese have done much with but a few syllables....

    BUT i felt the emotion in this, though it felt rather generic, perhaps it was the rhyming scheme. oftentimes the rhyme in poetry sound rather forced, insofar as we dont TALK in rhyme in every day life, and we force ourselves to rhmye in poetry.

    partly this COULD be due to the lack of an enforced meter. by this i mean the same amount of syallables per line, and stressed and unstressed syllables, etc. AS you probably know.

    but overall i can really relate to this. you have so much you just want to say to a person, so much of your self, your very SOUL you want to give to them, and they dont seem to give two [censored]s. you just want to show them everything inside of you, like opening up your chest. but they dont want your heart... they dont even know you exist, youre just under their radar like treetop fly-bys... this just goes to show that every person we come in contact with, they leave a little piece of them inside us, and we cant stop it. and... oftentimes... a piece of us leaves with them.

    one day you should just let yourself go... no rhyme, no meter just freestyle poetry, letting your emotions spill out over the paper like a gunshot wound... see what happens.

    o.O Travis O.o
    | Posted on 2007-12-30 00:00:00 | by Aphotic Sunrise | [ Reply to This ]
      Awesomeness. I think that that was really good. And I know that I've said this before (to someone somewhere...heehee) but I loved that you made it rhyme. It just all went together. I really like how it was like you were talking about me. I don't know, it made me feel like I was part of it. All in all...!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    | Posted on 2007-12-30 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
      Word....that was really deep. I'm not good at writing poetry myself, but enjoy reading it. It used really good cutting imagery. Not in a bad way. The images were stark and in little chunks, like flipping through a picture book or something. It was really good in that aspect, and all around. It is also something I can relate to sadly enough so that makes it even better. Keep up the good work, hopefully this hasn't happened to you :)

    Peace
    | Posted on 2007-12-27 00:00:00 | by Diomedes44 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    154985

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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