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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Within You, My World Lives.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: xXCptn_SephyXx
    ASL Info:    21/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    2.65 - 46/119/104
    Words: 198
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 270
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1347



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWithin You, My World Lives.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Whisper in my ear,
    Everything that you want,
    For it will be given to you,
    Everything.

    Wanting the entire endless world,
    I graciously snatched it from the sparkling black sky,
    And rested it gingerly in the palm of your warm hand.
    Accept this token,
    All yours.

    Desiring light for your life in darkness,
    I light myself on fire without slight hesitation;
    My deep eyes burn until my body melts with inevitable passion;
    You need not fear,
    The destruction you once were familiar with has vanished,
    Use this light to guide you forever.

    Lusting for the stream of love,
    I slit my throat with the blade of obedience.
    With one smile,
    I motion for you to take your cup of emotion and gather,
    My thick river continuously flows,
    But when you drink,
    I feel no pain.

    Hungry for feeling,
    I handed you a whip of indestructible thorns.
    Thrash at me with all might,
    But inflicted by you creates not a single mark nor scar.

    Look around you,
    Everything I have accomplished—
    I did it for you.
    Dying,
    Loving,
    Bearing,
    Everything,
    Not a single thing can harm me,
    When initiated by you.




    Submitted on 2007-12-27 14:27:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Once again, another amazing poem. I love the way your style is so descriptive while at the same time only adding to the mood and not throwing the poem off. I love the self sacrafice of the speaker when who they are speaking to is ungreatful, but yet the speaker continues to love. The part that I most loved was the part about the speaker lighting themself on fire to be a light for the person they were speaking to.
    "Thrash at me with all might,
    But inflicted by you creates..."

    You need to do something about "inflicted" there. Maybe "an infliction by you creates" or "inflictions from you create" or even "being inflicted by you creates" something along those lines. Great job at creating such a strong mood. You are one my favorite writers here on ES. Another favorite on my page.
    | Posted on 2007-12-29 00:00:00 | by lovedeathsdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      Every word of this piece was anecdotic. I enjoyed this very much. There was a lot of passion and yearning expressed in this. You described everything so vividly. It painted a painfully clear picture of wanting to satisfy a love.

    I'm not sure how much I can say on this. I definitely have no comments on how to improve this because I think you did such a wonderful job. As far as pointing out something in particular that I enjoyed? ... proving very difficult to find the words.

    I love how every description was painted so expressively. It was honest in words (in action, not so sure). But the point I suppose was not to be taken literally but metaphorically. You would give anything for this person.

    The structure was perfect for this type of poem. I like the conviction of this piece. Very powerful.

    That is all I can manage to put in words. Beautifully done. Magic almost.

    Still
    | Posted on 2007-12-29 00:00:00 | by StillimCold | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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