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    dots Submission Name: My Heart Cries Alonedots

    Author: Mykquillion
    ASL Info:    20/M/NEB
    Elite Ratio:    4.25 - 109/124/41
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Haiku/Longing
    Total Views: 854
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 479

       5 stanza Haiku story

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Heart Cries Alonedots

    Longing for her touch;
    She means everything to me;

    The one and only,
    The answer to my heart's prayers.
    Then, I finally

    Confess to my love,
    Praying that she feels the same,
    Then she turns and says

    "I love another."
    She walks away; no regrets;
    My heart in pieces.

    Never together;
    A long life of misery,
    Without anything.

    Submitted on 2007-12-27 16:54:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hmmm. I don't really read that many haikus, but I really loved this one. Just the raw emotion (and I suppose lack of on the females part), conveyed such.....hmmm. I don't really know...haha, but this piece held me captivated until the very end. Also, it flowed very well (as if you haven't heard that a bajillion times...). Anyhoo, peace and inspiration!

    | Posted on 2008-02-27 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
      I've read many haiku stories but this one caught me. In my experience most haiku stories do have a lot of words that are fillers. All these words held such emotion. I clung to every word like it was the last. I thought you did an amazing job not only at fitting your emotion into this particular format, but for being so vulnerable and honest.

    It was heartbreaking to read your experience so beautifully worded. I commend you on this piece, very much.

    --"I love another."
    She walks away; no regrets;
    My heart in pieces.--

    That part in specifically really allowed the reader to feel what you were or are feeling. I think everyone in the world has been here in their life at least once. It's not a nice place to be but at the same time it puts a lot of things in perspective. It's unfortunate that it has to be from something so painful.

    Very well done.

    | Posted on 2007-12-28 00:00:00 | by StillimCold | [ Reply to This ]
      I love when people take their raw experiences and emotions and convey them into words. Great place to start. And I must say, I love haiku stories, but what is so tricky about a haiku is making all the words count--get rid of fillers, each word has to have a punch to it. Also, when doing a haiku story, I think it comes across better when each haiku can stand alone without the others, but together make a beautiful poem.

    So ending with something like, "Then, I finally" makes that stanza seem weak in comparison to, "Unattainable."

    I suggest tightening it up and throwing out the hindering "the"'s. Overall, good job, hun. And remember, these are only suggestions...take 'em or leave 'em. It's all a matter of perspective. ^_^
    | Posted on 2007-12-27 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]
      This is great, and I actually have never read a Haiku story before. It's kind of like an epic poem that is broken down into bare emotions that leave you to picture the rest. First of all, the picture you choose fits and boosts the imagery. I really should try that... Anyways, I liked this a lot, there is a classic tale of love and defeat told so that the story remains unique to the character. Sorry I'm being ambiguous... I think Unattainable is a great choice. It's powerful word that foreshadows the outcome. The line "Confess to my love," kinds of sticks out to me. It almost sounds as if the narrator is confessing to the actual person more than confessing his love to her. And it works both ways, but I think it weakens the rest of that haiku.

    "'I love another,'" is absolute. It stops the reader and lover in their tracks, and you can just feel a heart crumble. This Haiku reminded me of Great Gatsby when Daisy admits to loving Gatsby, even though she stays with Tom (sorry if you haven't read). Finding out that the person you yearn for and hold so dear does not feel the same is so awful that it's like a physical punch. The girl turns, talks, and she walks away. This gives her character a very cold almost robotic personality. Which hurts more.

    Last Haiku was sad... Misery has a clinging feeling that reaches and hurts much deeper than just a sad day. The story dug deep into the recesses of a heart after pain of loss... I usually avoid commenting on sad poetry because it gets me thinking too much.
    But in conclusion to this rambling comment, I think you have some really powerful words, and the emotion pulls the reader in. I do think you can go even deeper with the words, but it's a solid piece.
    Thanks for the read :) tennisfuzz
    | Posted on 2007-12-27 00:00:00 | by tennisfuzz | [ Reply to This ]
      first, dude i feel your pain even though in my cuse it would be coming from the other side

    but the poem itself leaves something more to be desired reminds me of a movie where they just skim over the details showing nothing more besides the beginnig and the ending

    futhermore the three stanze thing well its not for everyone and you my friend well its not meant to be between you and 3

    but good try and thanks for posting hope you continue

    -the girl who cried wolf to much
    | Posted on 2007-12-27 00:00:00 | by BlueTorcher | [ Reply to This ]

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