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    dots Submission Name: Seven Deadly Sinsdots

    Author: tennisfuzz
    ASL Info:    21/F/wandering.
    Elite Ratio:    5.72 - 79/98/40
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Haiku/Serious
    Total Views: 1268
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 816

       Ok. *phew* done... This is a haiku grouping. The form is inspired by Mykquillion. The content started out being about mistakes, then just kinda formed into describing the seven cardinal sins. I put their latin titles above each one (courtesy of wikipedia).
    Do you think that works? I used the word "and" purposefully as a connector. Anyways, it's one of my only pieces not about something in my life, which is new. How's it look?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSeven Deadly Sinsdots

    Legs intertwining
    Arched backs and sweating bodies,
    Soft lips pressing hard

    Sticky, rich juiced fruits
    Stained tongues and plump greasy hands
    Round belching bellies

    Collecting cold cash
    Swiping purses and wallets,
    Unaware parents

    Hazy late sunlight
    Dishes and laundry undone
    Afternoon snoozing

    Veins pushed to popping
    Slaps and screams filling all rooms
    One glass of spilled milk.

    Pinning Voodoo dolls
    Yearning and craving power
    Hates pretty faces

    Arrogant stories
    Sneering and scorning the weak
    Just superior

    Submitted on 2007-12-30 01:18:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||

    This is awesome!!! I added it to my favourites before I finished the whole thing. Great piece. You are vastly superior in Haiku stories. There are so many amazing lines in this, examples:
    Soft lips pressing hard
    Round belching bellies
    Collecting cold cash
    I mean, every part is great. I knew exactly what you were saying with each stanza, and each one can stand on its own as a good Haiku. You and I should write a book with our collection of Haikus and Haiku groupings/stories. Sorry to sound crazy, but I really mean what I say, this is the best poem I have ever read on this site, and I mean it. Great job.
    The only thing that I would even consider changing even possible, is to consider some of the lines ending in , or . or ; to force the reader to pause when you want him/her to pause; but that's just me. I am very happy to have inspired that form, because it came out beautifully. Great job, and keep up with this form, you own it.

    <3 Mykquillion
    | Posted on 2007-12-30 00:00:00 | by Mykquillion | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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