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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Winter Wastelanddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: black_beauty18
    ASL Info:    25/Female/Hutchinson, KS
    Elite Ratio:    4.04 - 153/146/46
    Words: 72
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 633
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 540



    Description:
       I guess I'm just a little fed up with the winter months... Usually I like snow, winter, etc. but this year's winter has been pretty harsh in my neck of the woods this year and I'm ready for a reprieve. Anyway, let me know how ya like it!


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    dotsWinter Wastelanddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Freezing air blows in my face,
    I'm trapped in winter's cold embrace.
    Icicles sparkle like glitter in the trees,
    Such morbid beauty this season brings!
    The trees are bare, no longer green,
    Mother Nature's bitter scene.
    Branches litter the frozen ground,
    The hollow wind is winter's sound.
    A sinister chill clutches my chest,
    Unwilling to succumb to winter's arrest.
    Snowflakes pierce the frosty air,
    I shut the door in disgust and despair.




    Submitted on 2007-12-30 11:02:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow. That was one of the best things ive read in ages. Im not even just saying that. Normally im like "oh wow, that was cool." This one I read it, stared and the screen and thought "Holy tornado, that was WOW."
    Good job dear, I love how you portrayed winter so well.. You somewhat personified it, giving it somthing to appeal to almost all of our sences.
    Its like a dark beauty, somthing pristine and laced with ice.

    Great write, eager to read more
    -Safire
    | Posted on 2009-09-21 00:00:00 | by girly101 | [ Reply to This ]
      Rhyming couplets only work if the rhymes also make perfect sense. You almost get it right, but not quite.
    Icicles sparkle like glitter?
    Icicles are an eternal aspect of nature. Glitter is a modern man-made trivia. It does not enlighten the icicle to be compared to such. In another poem, "glitter sparkling like icicles" could work. In this poem, simply don't use a simile for icicles, but instead find suitable adjectives or adverbs (e.g. Icicles hang threateningly in the trees OR Brittle icicles hang in trees (where the technique is not simile, but assonance) OR a more impressive simile such as "Icicles like daggers of Damocles hang in trees".

    A sinister chill clutches my chest,
    Unwilling to succumb to winter's arrest.
    Is horribly contrived and awkward. That second line has at least two syllables too many. What about replacing it with "Frozen cardiac arrest."?
    Otherwise, you are tackling rhyming couplets quite well and your poem is a deal more pleasurable to read than most.

    | Posted on 2009-01-17 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      This was written very well. It flowed nicely which made it go quickly and left me wanting more. I can't agree with you though, Winter where I am is beautiful. I love the frozen death this cold season brings, but I'm weird so yeah :D:D Keep up the awesome work, and I'll keep reading

    »MIss MIsery«
    | Posted on 2007-12-30 00:00:00 | by MinervaBlu | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I'm with you on this one. I could not help but smile because I'm tired of the "morbid beauty" already, and we still have three more months of the same to come. I do like your poem! :-) Sharon
    | Posted on 2007-12-30 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ]


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