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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Unknown and Unregardeddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lovedeathsdeath
    ASL Info:    20/M/NCUSA
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 39/43/33
    Words: 114
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 217
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 673



    Description:
       I heard on the news about people finding newborn babies left in garbage cans and in stores. That prompted me to write this.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnknown and Unregardeddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Unknown and Unregarded
    I cried for you
    To love me,
    But you didn’t want me.

    You wanted your lies
    But not the consequence.
    The consequence was my life
    Condemned now to death.

    As I lie here in your lie
    Screaming from this pit
    That you pitch me in
    I want someone to help me,
    But now I do not need any.

    I am fine as I lie here
    In the lie that you made me.
    What you wanted has come true.
    I am no longer yours.
    I am no longer anyone’s at all.
    As I lie quietly in my cradle forever
    Screaming silence in your ear.




    Submitted on 2008-01-02 04:20:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i'm glad you put the description, maybe you could try and encapsulate that source in the title somehow. "afterbirth" ... ?

    when i first read the poem i thought o no, another romantic disaster that has destroyed self-esteem, but then i read about the abandoned babies and was able to approach the poem from a whole other perspective.

    i like the last line... "as i lie quietly in my cradle forever screaming silence in your ear"... implies so much, the babies absence, its death, its living presence in the conscience of the mother, ambiguous futures... and more... very evocative.

    i think you need to work on the lines with "consequence" and how you use the words... it feels clumsy to me. i also find your metaphors and word-play of lies a little confusing and wonder if you can think about them some more so that they and the ideas behind them are communicated clearer. i like them i think, but at the moment something isn't quite working in the imagery conjured in the reader's (my) mind...

    it is good that you are responding to the world around you, and are inspired to create from it, adressing the things that you see. please keep it up.

    i hope something of what i've said here will be of some use to you.
    | Posted on 2008-01-02 00:00:00 | by mamukami | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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