Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I'm Not Ok If You Look Closelydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Flowerinbloom
    ASL Info:    22/M/Earth (I think)
    Elite Ratio:    3.5 - 700/559/123
    Words: 132
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1064
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 870



    Description:
       Im just in a dark state right now.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI'm Not Ok If You Look Closelydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I fool you with my smiles don't I?
    Its such a pity too,
    you've never bothered to notice
    the suicide note on the table.
    (I'm not ok if you look closely.)

    There's a beauty to my darkness
    and crazy is cool.
    Blood is pretty to look at isn't it,
    when it's not from your own wounds?
    (I'm not ok if you look closely.)

    I'm dying inside did you hear me?
    Listen with your soul.
    Words are hypocrites who love to
    deceive fools with no backbone.
    (I'm not ok if you look closely.)

    You're watching the darkness swallow me.
    Laughing is a sin you'll regret
    but I'll laugh with you darling
    as we ignore the noose around my neck.
    (I'm not ok if you look closely.)




    Submitted on 2008-01-03 22:56:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Jay, there is a shivering maniacal calmness to this piece that belies the desperation simmering under the surface. Well written and knda creepy all at the same time. That means you have done your job well.
    | Posted on 2008-01-14 00:00:00 | by ErgoIgo | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a great write for a depressed poem, it's so sad how we put on masks (and sometimes need to) to deceive those around us, to make them think everything is ok. It's only the ones closest to us who we would expect to see through these disguises. Except that it doesn't always work like that, does it?

    The one thing I liked most is the theme, although it's a depressing poem, the theme is true in everyday circumstances.

    Great write with tantalizing wordplay,
    Thanks
    | Posted on 2008-01-09 00:00:00 | by Polydectes | [ Reply to This ]
      Very well done. You have captured the essence of a suicide. Very beautiful.

    The only thing I could critique, is that "i'm not okay if you look closely" is repeated sometimes where it doesn't fit. In the second and third stanzas, the line isn't suiting. I do, however, enjoy it being used as the opening and closing line. Very good.
    | Posted on 2008-01-04 00:00:00 | by darkened_soul | [ Reply to This ]
      i can really relate to this poem, sometimes you have to act like your ok in front of everyone whne inside your heart is so broken that your slowly diying...it is a mistery how some people cant see the truth that is basically slapping them in the face..this poem had such power and sentiment, it was just beautiful...the words were so well writen that it made it flow almost effortlessly...Awsome write!!
    | Posted on 2008-01-04 00:00:00 | by JGo | [ Reply to This ]
      this was VERY GOOD!!! i thought a perfect balance of images and truth. i have been in that dark place far too many times and this was an HONEST reflection on your part and that is what makes this unique and profound...cuz most people are hiding from themselves and incoherent to the world around them. and i agree with razor2therosary, that line about laughing/noose around my neck is awesome!!!!
    | Posted on 2008-01-04 00:00:00 | by scissorhands | [ Reply to This ]
      "Laughing is a sin you'll regret
    but I'll laugh with you darling
    as we ignore the noose around my neck."

    That is one of the most gorgeous things I've ever read. Could you BE any more perfect?

    "Blood is pretty to look at isn't it,
    when it's not from your own wounds?"

    I really love that. The truth in it is amazing.

    At first, I was a little concerned about the title because it made me think of a My Chemical Romance song that I hate, but you used it very nicely... and the repetition kinda gives it something extra.

    Sometimes it sucks to be in a dark state, but the things that come out of it are wonderful... like this poem, for example. It's so sad, but in such a pretty way. I love what you do with words.


    Lovely as always.

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2008-01-03 00:00:00 | by Razor2TheRosary | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    155374

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    The World written by jjd
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Records I written by Raphael
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    untitled written by Outlaw
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry