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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You Got It Baddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Caity
    ASL Info:    15/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.52 - 5/6/4
    Words: 162
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 128
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1196



    Description:
       Just a poem I made the other day, full of emotion.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou Got It Baddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Silence as you sit alone, motionless,
    Lacking intentions and thoughts. notionless,
    Staring into blankness, traumatized,
    The returning of your nightmare, redisguised.

    Reopening the wounds, spiralling down fast,
    Shadows fall upon you, the darkness of your past,
    Attempt replenishment of your heart that burnt to coal,
    No success as the brutality of emptiness seeps into your soul.

    Beautiful overflow of tears, spilling down your cheeks,
    Agony, despair and sorrow, emotions displayed by weeps,
    Emotions not felt by you, you are but a hollow being,
    Blood flowing and dripping is all you are seeing.

    Splashing as it hits the floor, creating puddles of red rain,
    Not feeling the deep cut, numbness overrides your pain,
    Not a person sees through your artificial smiles to recognize the lies,
    They complain about their only imperfections, for this you despise.

    In this world of selfishness, nobody cares even a tad,
    That your life will end soon because you got it bad.




    Submitted on 2008-01-04 01:25:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I have no problem that the emotion you chose to exhibit was personal pain, in my opinion strong passion creates the best poetry, and pain is one of the strongest emotions. You have a very good vocabulary, and use interesting diction and imagery, the key here is that your use of vocab is so profound you don't NEED the rhyme. The rhyme you used feels kind of forced, like you had to rack your brain for a word that rhymed, and it makes the poem sound "sing songy". You dont need it, with your style of writing you could create wonderful Free Verse. Give it a shot some time, good poem, good luck on future poems.
    | Posted on 2008-01-04 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]
      You have a wonderful way with words and can build up some vivid imagery. The thing you should work on is exploring creativity.
    Pain-filled poems are often found of writing sites and you may find people are getting tired of them. There's nothing wrong with emotion-filled poetry. Its just you have to find the perfect way of expression. In this you stumbled into many clichés of referring to things like "wounds" and "blood".

    Saying that I can defently see within the way you write that you do have something. There is a clear poetic rhythm and rhyme scheme. However, you will never touch a reader with on going descriptions of words that symbolise pain. For example; "Agony, despair and sorrow". These words would be better hinted at not said. Tell a story. Pull the reader in. Make them feel.

    There was something about the title I liked. I was drawn to it instantly. The use of a pronoun (you) was probably what caught my attention. Saying that I don't feel it quite captures the feel of the poem. The title sounds like a threat or perhaps even irony.

    Anyway, keep practising. Keep writing. I'm positive you will be a great writer if you work at it.
    | Posted on 2008-01-04 00:00:00 | by AteMyBackpack | [ Reply to This ]



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