The wind blows through the night,
to dim the starry sky,
Waving with all its might,
farewell my veil, goodbye.
A droplet falls behind,
dancing from side to side,
mourning alone tonight,
that the darkness denied.
Falling to its demise,
joined by mass suicide.
that the black has exiled,
On earth life multiplied.
So he, seeking each morn,
the life after each dawn.
| Thanks for commenting mine..|
I really like this one..
I would have to say that the third stanza is my personal fave.
^_^ cant wait to read more of your things
|| Posted on 2008-02-27 00:00:00 | by Estella Kadence | [ Reply to This ] || way kool. its chill, the end part how the lost soul has some hope. |
gives us sumthin to look into..
|| Posted on 2008-02-04 00:00:00 | by DaGrimReaperess | [ Reply to This ] || This poem is a great write, I love your style and how you constructed this poem. "So he, seeking each morn,|
the life after each dawn." Very clever to place this at the ending. These two lines make you think a bit more. I felt the despair inside of it too. That lonliness you put in this poem, I'm very familiar with.
Keep in touch.
|| Posted on 2008-01-31 00:00:00 | by Crestfallenman | [ Reply to This ] || Wow. This touches me right here|
'so he, seeking each morn
the life after each dawn'
no suggestions, don't change anything, please. :)
One of the most poetical way of describing suicide and sadness
that I've seen in a long time
keep it up.
|| Posted on 2008-01-19 00:00:00 | by dancer-of-words | [ Reply to This ] || I want to comment on your gift for the rhythm and rhyme: you put in drive, music, feeling and the tension of the kind of speech chosen, all instincively and I guess you know that;; but anyway I appreciate reading you verse!|
Making rhyme do what it's there for is not so easy. I can't even explain that , but others should study what you're producing!
The couplet makes me apply the whole scenery to the moment when I have to get up in the morning! It made me laugh ... sort of ironically.
|| Posted on 2008-01-07 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ] || Where would we stand if not for hope of new beginnings with each dawn? The eternal optimist knows even a lost soul can find a glimmer of light on the horizon. I read this poem three times absorbing more with each read and love the fact that your work makes me want to think there's more between the lines. Excellent! :-) Sharon||| Posted on 2008-01-06 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ] || Its an interesting spin for a sonnet, not the traditional format. Usually the last six lines present the same message, but you used the last 2 lines to project an optimistic spin, even when it seemed like the last 6 lines would be all negative. Is that because you're an optimistic person, and even your negative poems need some hope or ray of light? It's really interesting in that the writing and imagery was good, and that your structure fit the average sonnet, just that your tone took a very unexpected turn at the very end. I like the fact that you ended it on a positive note, I think hope is one of the few things we have to rely on to keep us going in life, and your last 2 lines prove you haven't lost site of it.||| Posted on 2008-01-04 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ] || Intriguing is correct, I saw Van Gogh's Starry Night painting while reading your piece. I appreciated the word play and the picture it sprung up.|
|| Posted on 2008-01-04 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ] || very intriguing write you have here,i somehow had visions of a star that fell, and wanders on the earth alone.but the falling star is just a metaphor for a certain person, maybe you i don,t know.but i suspect that something happened to this said person and maybe they have a feeling that the world is against him or her.well i don,t know if i,m on the right track or not,but after reading your poem i had visions,and it made me think, thats what poetry is about.|
thanks for sharing
|| Posted on 2008-01-04 00:00:00 | by eyeless in gaza | [ Reply to This ] |