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    dots Submission Name: Between Commandsdots

    Author: stefhy
    ASL Info:    21/f/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 165/83/37
    Words: 142
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1288
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 990

       I'm not sure this needs a description. The meaning is clear, as always, and the story...
    Well, the story is a common one. More common than I like to admit.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBetween Commandsdots

    Between Commands

    Another storm rolls, between sunshine and star-wake.
    Those clocks all start melting, this time is a mistake.
    The warmth has hit coldly, upon innocent skin,
    As hatred flows heavy through pupils of sin.

    His strength knocks her down, on glass and concrete
    And from under his shadow, she still tries to reach,
    Reach up toward him, an unsteady hand
    To make sure he smiles, between his commands.

    A mutter, a stutter
    -A whispered out plea,
    The look of 'I love you' that she'll never see.

    A bruise that befriends her, he's marked her his own
    Slow Spinning Redemption, he's never known.

    ...Still broken and bleeding, she's getting too weak.
    From under his shadow, she's trying to see
    See all that's in him, and his unsteady hands
    To make sure he smiles, between his commands.

    Submitted on 2008-01-04 07:07:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i despise abuse...

    this creates an angry feeling...she is justifying staying with him, looking for love in his look...but finding nothing but control and power and meanness...

    i want her to stab him in the eye with a sharp fork!
    | Posted on 2011-04-03 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Those clocks all start melting, this time is a mistake.

    .. that is very nice.. Salvador Dali is one of my favorite artist.. i don't know if your were paying homage to him.. but it's still cool either way..

    overall this poem is pretty cool..

    strong imagery.. and seems to have some real feeling behind..

    like your drawing form life.. not just exploring a topic...

    cool stuff..

    derrick.. salas
    | Posted on 2008-06-09 00:00:00 | by milo stills | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. This kind of makes me wonder about what my aunt had to go through when she was still with her ex. And though I hate to say this (because of the content, of course not saying anything about you...) but I loved this poem. It told a sad story, and in such a beautiful way. Your words flowed so well together, and your rhyme scheme was unflawed and not forced at all. Keep up the great work!


    | Posted on 2008-01-27 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
      Sounds masochistic, romanticizing martyrdom. Her suffering given for his pleasure taken. I suffered (and sometimes enjoyed) disturbing erotic encounters like this at one time. As a child, my first crush was on the image of Jesus. I wanted to be just like him. Able to love even those who were cruel to me. I'm no longer religious but somehow the sentiment never left my subconscious until I was able to exorcise it through such acts.
    | Posted on 2008-01-20 00:00:00 | by ssssss | [ Reply to This ]
      If you wanted perfect ryhme, you could possibly change "It's Slow Spinning Redemption, that he'll never know." To "Slow Spinning Redemption that he's never known." I think it gives that line a bit more strength to it too. Just my opinion. The rest of my opionion is Wonderful! Well, not the message of the poem, you totally get it across and it is so sad that this does happen so often. You did a great job with the meter of this poem. Then the rhyming is good. It's not so easily noticed that it makes the poem hard to read. And you used good words that weren't awkward just to make it rhyme. I usually don't AA BB CC... but this one is amazing... going to the favorites list.
    | Posted on 2008-01-06 00:00:00 | by lovedeathsdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      Stefhy, this is a skillful and excellent write! It is well crafted and done, and intrigues the reader with its ominous story/theme.

    I am unsure whether the object of the poem is a deity or a real person; ie whether the poem is about conscience or abuse?

    Regardless of the question, the poem reflects a lot of talent and is an excellent piece of work! You have a developing talent that is outstanding!
    | Posted on 2008-01-04 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]

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