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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the shadow that hangs on my walldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: maquiladora
    ASL Info:    26/m/nj
    Elite Ratio:    3.57 - 420/300/57
    Words: 137
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 122
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 800



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe shadow that hangs on my walldots
    -------------------------------------------


    *the shadow that hangs on my wall*

    a shadow,
    a shadow hangs on my wall.
    there is no depth or width to it,
    no feeling or warmth at all.

    i try to hold it, this shadow that adorns my wall,
    but it keeps slipping, slipping through the cracks in the hall.

    "where are you?" i cry when the shadow fades from sight,
    i search and search, but alas the shadow blends in with the night.

    and through the night the shadow i cannot see,
    for all the other shadows hide her from me.

    where did she go? this shadow that it seek?
    hi and lo, i gaze around dark corners hoping to catch a peek

    of the one that stays hidden from me,
    yet somehow it is all that it see...




    Submitted on 2008-01-05 23:07:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    2: I dunno...
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    ||| Comments |||
      I can't say I like it. It feels/sounds like a children's poem on an adult subject. I get the idea, it's just not presented in an interesting way.

    The first stanza seems unnecessary as you simply describe a shadow as what all shadows are to say "a shadow hangs on my wall" would imply all that is said in the first stanza.
    Part of me thinks you could lose the entire first stanza and use the title itself as the first stanza. I don't know how common it is to do so, but Charles Bukoski is an example of a writer who sometimes used the title of as a dual purpose title/first line.

    Which would mean the second stanza becomes the first.
    I don't know how everyone feels about rhyming. I think there's too much rhyming in this though and they're all simple rhymes. Entire poems can rhyme without it seeming repetitive, but that's not accomplished here.

    Second stanza:
    "this shadow that adorns my wall" could easily be dropped without losing content. ", slipping" could also be dropped without losing content, though I could see how keeping it is useful.

    Third stanza:
    I can't suggest much without rewriting it. In the second line you could remove "in" without losing content. Removing "alas" may also be a positive step.

    Fourth stanza:
    Shorten the first line to just "the shadow I can not see". Barring that, the "and" is probably not necessary.

    Fifth stanza:
    You have a typo "it" instead of I. "this shadow that it seek?" could be removed without losing content as the reader already knows what you're looking for.
    I don't know if "hi and lo" is really necessary, but if it is, "high and low" unless you misspelled on purpose. Most anyone will know what you mean, but "hi" is also a greeting and "lo" means look, as in, "lo and behold!"

    Sixth stanza:
    The "it" for "I" typo again. Remove "that", it's unnecessary.
    | Posted on 2008-06-16 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]



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