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    dots Submission Name: he kills me.dots

    Author: freeradical
    ASL Info:    22/feline/london
    Elite Ratio:    5.26 - 311/405/63
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 1239
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 591


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotshe kills me.dots

    it's not the
    you leaving
    part that broke me.

    it's the way i exist
    as two separate people

    i smile
    make all the usual jokes
    to all the usual suspects
    (and none of them
    suspect a thing).

    but there's a hidden
    tearing up my insides
    with guilty longing

    and even worse,

    he kills me,
    every time.

    and one of these times,
    i'm going to wind up dead.

    Submitted on 2008-01-06 15:43:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This is great!! I loved it. A very real, very inward kind of truth about the aftermath of separation, the pain, the anger, and "hope." The refusal to let go, leaves one clutching at vapors, nonexistant visions of what might have been, memories of what was, and the horror of what is. When does it subside? Only when the heart and mind are overpowered by necessity. I think you have brilliantly described the point of view of one who is holding on. (Let it go!!!)

    Notes: In S1 you adress him by saying "you," but in S6 you say "he" and your reader gets confused. It needs to be either "him" (S1) and "he" (S6) or "you" and "you." If it's the "hope" that kils you (and by your title I assume not) then S6 should say "it."

    Barring that, I have nothing to offer, except to say what a wonderful piece of writing this is and how much I enjoyed it. Well done, brilliant!!

    | Posted on 2008-03-30 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      This is powerful, well writ, well fed, and sharp to swallow. It slid down and strangled me, my heart beating out "I know I know I know it hurts it hurts it hurts I know"

    "and even worse,

    It kills. How well spoken.
    "and one of these times,
    i'm going to wind up dead."

    I'm moved. It feels like [censored].

    Thank you so much for writing this.
    I have no critique. I feel to ill in my head and stomach to. Bravo. Well done. Really, I mean that.


    | Posted on 2008-02-19 00:00:00 | by Mandolin | [ Reply to This ]
      i,m not sure if i got it right, is it the hope that kills you,and not him?two seperate people,one is trying to be happy,the other lives in hope that he shall return.
    thanks for sharing
    just thought of something after re-reading.who are the guilty suspects, future lovers who could possibly "kill You"?
    | Posted on 2008-01-06 00:00:00 | by eyeless in gaza | [ Reply to This ]

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