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When doors open

Author: ashik
Elite Ratio:    4.65 - 50 /37 /31
Words: 62
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1234
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 414


I recently found an old journal this is from 1995 i was 15 years old! I just edited this poem i hope you find it more enjoyable, i do

When doors open

Holding on to what you’ve got
Cling to your own existence
Seeking for something more
With out opening the door

Just once I wish to be,
the one helping you see
There’s true love on the other side;
But you try so hard to hide.

When doors open,
Lovers we'll be.
With doors open
Truth will find me...

Submitted on 2008-01-06 20:04:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Much better! *thumbs up*
| Posted on 2008-01-08 00:00:00 | by AteMyBackpack | [ Reply to This ]
  It has a lovely message. I liked the whole idea of someone not wanting to walk through the door to find true love. It's like they're scared of what true love might mean for them.
It sounds like the narrator has some sort of feelings for the other person and wants to wake them up to the fact that with them they can have true love. Perhaps the other person is messing around with the wrong people in hope to find 'the one' and so completely misses the narrator who wants to so desperately get them to "see the truth" through the door.
Well, there's my interpretation.

As for the writing its self; it has a brilliant flow in the first stanza. The flow seems to slip a bit in the next stanza, probably because the rhyme scheme changes.

The last stanza was perfect in beauty. Although, you use 'true' and then 'truth' within that stanza. You might want to consider changing one of them to stop repeating yourself. (I suggest the first because the last is a great ending)

Another idea I had when reading it is that maybe you could end it with a '...'. It sort of makes it seem more dramatic because reader will question: what is the truth?
What's more that finishing line seems little too long to fit the flow.
Try: You see the truth.
| Posted on 2008-01-07 00:00:00 | by AteMyBackpack | [ Reply to This ]

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