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I've come down with the case of the Hit and R

Author: Maki
ASL Info:    17/ female/ home
Elite Ratio:    5.04 - 208 /210 /69
Words: 458
Class/Type: Story /Misc
Total Views: 1073
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 2531


mmm, possibility for a new story. Probably romantic, or tragic. Not sure yet.


I've come down with the case of the Hit and R

When it rains, it pours. Such is not the case where I live. When it rains, it kind of just spits on us unfortunates in it's way. Sometimes, I wish California would just stay sunny. It should really stop trying to be like all the other states. Somehow, I don't think that is really possible. Everyone here is just like that as well, why not have a landmass just reflect what the inhabitants do; like a huge mirror.

Well what ever, I kind of got off topic. When it rains, like it is now, idiots feel the need to still speed, take no heed to the fact that, yes driving through a puddle is entertaining, no it is not smart when you are going at 60 miles an hour and there could be, y'know oils and things to make your tires slip. So, why am I telling you this? Because I was hit by one of those idiots! Here I am, sitting in the spitting rain, getting wetter and wetter as the hours passing, talking with the cops, trying to keep from wanting to punch the imbecile in the face, coping with the fact that I was just ran over by a car AND I'm still alive.

"Excuse me.. Miss...."

I whipped my head around and paused. "...Yes?"

He almost jumped. "Look, It seems like you have a case here...."

"Who are you?" I snapped. I was so sick of everyone in this damn place and I just wanted to go home, soak in a bath, take some pain killers, and go to bed.

"I'm a Lawyer, I think I can help you win this..." I watched him slowly pull a card from his front pocket on his expensive suit.

"I don't really want to make a case out of it...."

"You have to any way, It was a hit...he almost ran away...didn't he? It's a good thing there was a few cops on patrol..."

I grimaced, he was right. "But, if he had just ran right along the way, all I would have to do is walk to the clinic and take care of it. Things are Much more complicated now that the police force is out to right the world of wrong... " I said out loud. Whoops. I could have sworn I was listening to that voice, or at least what I think I sound like, in my head. When did my lips start moving?

"My name is Rick Loren, Give me a call...."

I watched him turn before I could reject him and had a look at his fancy card. "...Smart man." I looked back up to him and tilted my head

Submitted on 2008-01-06 20:41:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Very smooth and interesting.
| Posted on 2008-01-06 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
  This is actually the first time I've read a story on this site, or in this case idea for a story. First of all, I could picture the entire thing in my head, so that's fantastic. There is a story! A rainy day is a great introduction point. It gives the reader something to spend time picturing, so good job setting up the scene. I might take the time to clarify what time of day it is if it fits in for you. I find if I can picture everything, I get even more sucked into the story.

Your first two paragraphs are a little choppy. This is a very fun sentence: "When it rains, it kind of just spits on us unfortunates in it's way," but I would consider re-wording it so it sounds better out loud. The u's got me a little tongue tangled. I would consider saying "People" instead of "Everyone" in the last sentence, because it personalizes things for the reader, and makes the sentence less of a generalization.

In your second paragraph "what ever" should be: whatever. Also, I think you need to chop up that second sentence into several sentences. First of all it is a borderline run-on sentence. But you will also slow the reader down so they don't skim over what you're trying to say. Your phrase: "oils and things" sounds very awkward to me. Maybe be more specific about those other things, or just reword. Near the end of the paragraph, when your character is trying to control herself, I would leave out the the "wanting" and just have her trying to keep from punching the idiot. I see this character as strong and independent, and the "wanting" doesn't feel needed.

I loved that fact that I had no idea that your character was a woman until the "Miss". I think that is terrific writing to set up a story and slowly find out even the most important character traits as it progresses. Now, your last sentence in the second paragraph is also very long. But this time I think it works perfectly. The character is very angry, so she's shooting out thoughts five miles a minute, and it's written well enough that the sentence has a slight sarcastic humor because of its length.

I applaud you on your written conversations. I get tired of the "he said she said"... Your's is great because you include lots of details so the reader doesn't tire from just dialog. You get the narrators every angry sarcastic comment. This early in a story, you usually don't want too much intense conversation, and this is definitly my favorite part. I am immensely curious about both the characters, and I immediately start to like our protagonist narrator.

When Mr. Lawyer pulls a card from: "his front pocket on his expensive suit." It might sound better to say he pulls it from "the front pocket of his expensive suit." I know that's nit-picky, but it might help the overall flow.

In: "You have to any way," anyway is one word. Also on grammar: "there was a few cops" should be "there were a few cops". For: "I grimaced, he was right," I would use a semicolon and not a comma there...

One of the harder things about stories is grammar and format. With poetry it's less of a problem, so I apologize if this editing is annoying. I'm the editor of a yearbook... so it's a habit.

In that last paragraph, did you capitalize Much on purpose for emphasis? Just wondering. Also, it might add some humor to add in another direct narrative puncture and say: Did I just say that out loud?

You introduce the lawyer's name at a great time; it's a very dramatic effect. And finally, your character tilts her head. Now I'm not completly sure what her personality is at this point, but technically tilting your head is a sign of submission, especially if you're a woman. Yes, I'm incredibly weird pointing out that random fact, but maybe it will help you define who your narrator is as a character.

I spent the time leaving this ginormous comment because I really liked your story. I think it has tons of potential wherever you want to take it. Hope my thoughts were if not helpful at least amusing, and I'm really glad I read this piece. If you end up creating something more let me know, because I would love to read more about this mysterious CA girl. And I could see both romance and tragedy, though I admit I like romances better. Thanks again for the read.

:) tennisfuzz
| Posted on 2008-01-06 00:00:00 | by tennisfuzz | [ Reply to This ]

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