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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Rusteddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Flynn
    ASL Info:    24/M/MI
    Elite Ratio:    3.77 - 74/123/48
    Words: 260
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Venting
    Total Views: 1039
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 1647



    Description:
       This is sorta preliminary, but rather true to me right now. If y'all would be so kind as to tear it apart, please :D

    This is about betrayal, and how it makes some one feel. Especially when the turncoat is some one so dear to you.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRusteddots
    -------------------------------------------


    On this side of innocent
    Caged naked in despair
    The rot and sin surrounds
    A pestilence from everywhere
    Iím a sinner not a saint
    Iím good boy plan gone wrong
    Sheís standing on the other side
    Listening to my muted song

    Caged alone.
    Rusting to the bars.
    The lamp is dim.
    And the door is locked from both sides
    Iíve got a candle.
    But it hasnít got a wick
    Somethingís crawling in my skull
    Gnawing till Iím sick
    Iím caged alone.

    On this side of innocence
    With a razor blade lie
    And grating sound of flies surround
    The corpses of a million down
    Below me.
    Loss and love or all the above
    Cause Iím a sinner not a saint.
    Iím a good boy plan gone all wrong
    And sheís standing listening to a muted song.

    Where did we go.
    When did the rust and damp come from
    My own walls?
    Is it something I have done?
    Caged alone.
    Sticking to the bars my flesh is rotting.
    Cutting all alone
    When the ugliness inside is all I see.
    And the lamp is dim,
    Reach through and hold me.

    Iím scared, I cried.
    I admit that Iíve tried not to.
    Alone in my cage.
    With my desolation and my rage
    My angel, so far away
    It seems as if the rain is falling harder now.
    My board has fall the pieces are on the ground
    Below me
    And the rust is spreading into my own skin.
    The rust which originates from within.
    Reach through and hold me.




    Submitted on 2008-01-07 19:50:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This was awesome! The only part that I didn't get was the board part in the last stanza. Good stuff though!
    | Posted on 2008-03-22 00:00:00 | by laffeytaffey | [ Reply to This ]
      This was awesome! The only part that I didn't get was the board part in the last stanza. Good stuff though!
    | Posted on 2008-03-22 00:00:00 | by laffeytaffey | [ Reply to This ]
      Overall i enjoyed reading this poem. I am tired so I will stick saying I realy liked these lines

    Somethingís crawling in my skull
    Gnawing till Iím sick
    I'm caged alone.

    and I found this part to be awkard to read.

    My board has fall the pieces are on the ground
    Below me

    Honestly there were a few sections that I had to reread to understand what you were saying, but it is late and I am tired. Overall again i would like to say it was enjoyable to read. I think i will try to comment again when i have more energy.
    | Posted on 2008-01-08 00:00:00 | by ashik | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
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    9. How could it be improved?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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