I don't want to get up. "Lie here", says the voice in my head. Or one of them. Everyone has more than one voice in their head and they argue with eachother until a resolution between them all comes to form a single thought. It is when those voices begin to ignore eachother and stop collaborating that people, in turn, begin to lose their minds. So, I lie in bed. Still. Because I told myself so and I am not that crazy yet but I am getting there. I've stayed in bed for days before. Why can't I do it again?
Bang Bang. They want me to get up. Mother's making noises of frustration. But really loneliness. "Wake up, wake up, wake up" translates to, "Why can't we be friends?". I'm sorry. "Knock, knock, knock" translates to, "Are you still breathing?". Yes, but no one hears me. "I'm sorry". You shouldn't be. It's not you whom I want listening.
Do something. Work. No. Paint. No. Read. Maybe. Write. No. The mind controls the limbs and senses and my mind is out of commission. Each voice within gathers around to scream in unison, "YOU CAN'T CREATE!" Belief in self is underestimated. I trust these voices more than I know, or else I would be out of bed and creating art or something to be proud of. To prove I am alive and worth the oxygen. Instead, my lids greet eachother and lure the voices to sleep. A rest they constantly need. So, I start to dream: Life. Funeral. Wake up. No. Ghosts. Hello, I haven't seen you in awhile. I hope you are OK. Scared. Purple sky and it is bleeding. Cannot move my feet. Twister. Twister. Killer. Killer. Beauties screaming. Run. Run. Cannot move my feet. Broken bones( but I don't feel them) the sight of which is scary. Breathe. Knock. Knock. "Yes, I'm breathing." What? Familiar face. Safe. I know you but I miss you. Beauty. Love and sadness, hand in hand. And I would hold yours if it created harmony between the two. So, in hope, I do. Wake up. No. Wake up. NO. WAKE UP! fuck. I am not lonely in my dreams. Why can't I remain asleep? Lids part and it is dark in here still. But I know I am awake because I am alone.
I don't want to get up. "Lie here", says the voice in my head. Or one of them. Or maybe they are silent and I am not moving because I'm dead. Searching anywhere for a pulse...searching, searching. Never was good at finding one or feeling one. Ah, there it is. So, I lie in bed. Still. Because I must have told myself to. Belief in self is underestimated.
This is my life. And I live it without doing. Without moving. I live it inside my head...with all the voices. But i'm not crazy.