Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password


Author: Polydectes
ASL Info:    29/m/South Africa
Elite Ratio:    7.84 - 154 /85 /38
Words: 83
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 999
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 587


until death do us part


In the dark, in the fall
Pitter, patter rain drops fall

A fear will creep upon us all
Pitter, patter rain drops fall

Something breathing in the corner
Pitter, patter rain drops fall

Shadows moving to each other
Pitter, patter rain drops fall

Virus stirring, pay attention
Pitter, patter rain drops fall

Thunder taking turns, too tall
Pitter, patter rain drops fall

Of my bunk I have a�fallin
Pitter, patter rain stops falling

Submitted on 2008-01-09 09:16:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Also, I like the wordplay and use of phonics on this piece.
| Posted on 2008-01-18 00:00:00 | by FireFly747 | [ Reply to This ]
  Nice stuff! I like the noisy word sounds. Poem possesses
good cadence, rhyme and timing. Nice comical ending too. There is a child-like wonder in all of this. Keep sharing
| Posted on 2008-01-18 00:00:00 | by FireFly747 | [ Reply to This ]
  This sounds a bit dark. A nightmare perhaps, and it takes falling out of the bunk to wake up and stop the nightmarish rain from falling. Whatever your thoughts while writing, it gave me the chills as I read it.
| Posted on 2008-01-16 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
  LOL---you can borrow a word from me anytime. Seriously, I realize you wanted the hidden, dark meaning in this poem to carry an important message; and I hope you didn't mind that I chose to focus on the "surface" of your words in my comment.

Just like the old nursery rhymes, your poetry can carry a message well no matter which way it's read. I'm never surprised when someone hasn't a clue what "Humpty Dumpty" really says. Unfortunately for us all, the world is a dangerous place to call home.

Take care, Sharon
| Posted on 2008-01-11 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ]
  It's been a while since I've fallen out of bed, but I certainly have not forgotten. I LOVED the unexpected turn in the ending and am still giggling that I did NOT see that fall coming. You never disappoint me! This one goes to my favs. :-) Sharon
| Posted on 2008-01-10 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ]
   yes now that you have explained the "message" and made a few changes.i have read it with the vision of the children in my head,that you are talking about.last night i said it was like a bedtime story but now after fully understanding the hidden meaning,it has definetly got a creepy sad feeling to it." pitter patter pitter patter."the virus keeps spreading,silently like the pitter patter of rain and constantly.with no sign of it clearing up, yes it is warning for the children and the adults also.they have got to be "cleared up" on the danger that,s spreading accross the land.pitter patter....................or they shall also fall of their bunks.
it,s a sad theme, but i like they way you brought it accross withe the images of shadows,rain,thunder. now that i understand it.
thanks for sharing
keep writing
ps my niece has married a south african man,they met in london and now they are moving to pretoria. they have invited me for a visit but i shall have to save some euro,s first.
| Posted on 2008-01-10 00:00:00 | by eyeless in gaza | [ Reply to This ]
  seems like u had a bad dream on a stormy night,lol.i think you have written this very lightheartedly,but i have read some of your other works.and i have this "creeping"suspiscion there is more to this than meets the eye.and again i shall say but!!
if i am wrong then, i think this has been written for a child,your,s?a niece, nephew? as a bed time may look childish at first glance,but again,the alliteration and your words just dance off the page.i think i shall read this one to my son, see what kind of reaction i get from him.
thanks for sharing, shall i say cute or mysterious i,m not sure, but i liked it.
till the next
| Posted on 2008-01-09 00:00:00 | by eyeless in gaza | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?