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    dots Submission Name: my dearest...dots

    Author: disturbedx1000
    ASL Info:    28/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    3.67 - 204/326/124
    Words: 224
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 979
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1406

       ok i saw a program on tv about two lovers. this poem i made to describe what had happened. i think you'll be shocked or surprised by the ending. once u get there i think you'll see what i mean in this twisted poem. ^_^

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsmy dearest...dots

    Trembling within this isolation...
    i fear my self mutilation,

    i hear each steady drop fall into place...
    i can still taste... how each one taste,

    the ties slit as smothly as the cut...
    i'm just a memory everyone has forgot,

    WAKE ME!

    in the distance i hear one voice...
    hurt and scorned by my selfish choice,

    i shouldn't have been angry at her...
    for it was his fault for sure,

    i kept hiding the fact i didn't know...
    hiding everything never to let it show,

    how angry i was that i knew...
    so much my blood boiled into stew,

    ... why did i do this...

    these will be my last words to you my dearest...
    your the only on i hold nearest,

    to be covered in my hate...
    i surley chose this fate,

    rest now and forget me still...
    i did this for my selfish will,

    for we did not blong together...
    his love was yours forever,

    ... at least your mine in te end...

    it was you who led me down this path...
    now its my turn for the last laugh,

    i muct go to the voice i hear still...
    so where is the cheater i have to kill?

    Submitted on 2008-01-09 14:34:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      Usually, I tell a person to try free verse to see if they like it when they do poems with a rhyme scheme. This poem is so good, you don't have to. The rhyming blended in so well in the poem, unless you are looking for it, you probably couldn't tell there is a rhyme scheme.

    The only problem I could find was your spelling. One may not distract the reader so much, but a lot will.

    smothly - smoothly
    on - one
    surley - surely
    blong - belong
    te - the
    muct - much

    All of these seem more like typo's, so when your typing, you should be careful. Everyone always tell me I need to watch my spelling, I know you will get a lot of comments about that.

    | Posted on 2008-03-18 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      all and all it was good . I liked the ending and that you didnt know which was which like polydectes said. the only line i didnt like was

    " i hear each steady drop fall into place...
    i can still taste... how each one taste, "

    i think taste twice was a little too much and you can do better than that Brandon

    ~ ms.understood
    | Posted on 2008-01-12 00:00:00 | by Rehian | [ Reply to This ]
      In this poem you are hurt for being cheated on, with a nice twist in the end. You said “so where is the cheater i have to kill?” I couldn’t help wonder who do you want to kill, your ex or her boyfriend, and you leave the topic open for discussion, I liked that

    You made a quite a few spelling errors, smothly : smoothly , surley: surely, blong: belong, te: the, muct: much.

    One thing I would change is instead of “i fear my self mutilation,” rather: “I fear self mutilation” or “I fear myself, mutilation”

    I liked the couplet,
    It’s an old favoured of mine.

    With only a few tweaks on meter and spelling you can transform this to a really funky poem
    | Posted on 2008-01-10 00:00:00 | by Polydectes | [ Reply to This ]

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