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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Thirteendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Razor2TheRosary
    ASL Info:    24 - f - Philly
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 238/127/51
    Words: 210
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1264
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1441



    Description:
       I don't know. My mind is... gone.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThirteendots
    -------------------------------------------


    You scream, and you laugh, and you choke
    on ashes and dust and the smoke.
    Inpatients relapse to provoke
    their doctors and nurses who woke

    to spinning wheels on Halloween
    as raindrops fell like gasoline.
    You breathe with help from a machine,
    which may be wet, but isn't clean.


    You scratch, and you cough, and you shake.
    From twitching and itching, you ache
    because fevers are hard to break
    when love wears the tongue of a snake,

    sliding down your corroded spine,
    disfigured, cracked, and serpentine.
    Your hands will wrap around a shrine
    until disease and death combine.


    You stab, and you bleed, and you clot.
    Those sheets have never been so hot.
    He is, and he was, but you're not
    recovering from every shot,

    and zombies pass by in the hall.
    Some still dissolve while others crawl.
    Gurneys spin to ease and enthrall
    the patients whose heads hit the wall.


    You shift, and you cringe, then you're still,
    smiling at roses until
    they slide another bitter pill
    across the painted window sill,

    and when it meets your fingertips,
    disturbing words leave forlorn lips,
    but no one hears the stitch that rips,
    so catch the poison if it drips.




    Submitted on 2008-01-11 01:01:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Nikkki,

    Showing my age here, but as soon as I started reading, I had Alainis Morrisette singing it in my head...well written. As usual your rhyme is always so good to me, as opposed to my usual feelings for rhyming schmyming...

    "You stab, and you bleed, and you clot.
    Those sheets have never been so hot.
    He is, and he was, but you're not
    recovering from every shot"

    That was my fave...dead on with the whole verse.

    Another goodie for my reading pleasure ~ Gracias
    | Posted on 2008-01-20 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi. powerful stuff. I agree with the two comments. Although I dont know who is referred to - the experience must be awfully difficult and mind boggling. Reminded me of the book `Supernatural` by Graham Hancock with his similar experiences in the far east.
    Keep up the powershift - I liked it very much and do appreciate this writing. Keep well.
    | Posted on 2008-01-11 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]
      Jesus. That brings a crap load of things back when my brother had brain dammage....amazing work.....damn i have never been so impressed with a poem in ages.

    I also like how you dont keep repeating yourself. i thought you might considering the length of the poem but damn this is just the most kickass poem of this sort i have ever seen.

    The only few things that i saw that didnt really come well together was Stanza 3 L. 1
    "you scratch, and you cough, and you shake.."
    i believe it would work much better if you took out the "and" i mean that is a kickass line but i think to many "ands" is a buzz killer.

    Same goes for Stanza 5 L.1 but again this is my opinon and im not the one who wrote this so you may just ignore me on this

    One thing that i REALLY like about this poem is the rhyming and rythem. Most people who try to rhyme cause the poems to sound force and almost makes a person cringe when they read it. this is wonderfully worded.

    I think you ended well and again im very impressed though why should you care if i am either way i am. Wonderful work and all that junk.

    All the love
    Nikki
    | Posted on 2008-01-11 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      The description was pretty accurate lol... For real though I kept getting lost I thought a couple times it was you in the hospital, then maybe a family member and then I thought it was a boyfriend and kind of just kept circling... I thought the word play was very creative and artistic... The rhyme scheme flowed perfectly in my opinion and I did enjoy the write... What it made me think of was being in a hospital and being over drugged and basically completely losing your mind in a hallucinogenic slumber and I loved how vivid it was, so honestly enjoyed it very much and looking forward to more...
    Anthony
    | Posted on 2008-01-11 00:00:00 | by Kersofmia | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    155760

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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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