60 Seconds of Emptiness by charmedidentity

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Submission Name: 60 Seconds of Emptiness dots

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Author:	charmedidentity
ASL Info:	19/F/International
Elite Ratio:	7.36 - 776/739/286
Words:	163

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	120
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1042

Description:
The internet....how wonderful for the people who can't see each other every day.

60 Seconds of Emptiness dots

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The clock is ticking
too slowly
And you’re nowhere to be found,
I keep waiting for
the moment
All I have now is an empty sound.
I caress the table with
my fingers
Hoping to distract myself for a bit,
My mind wonders what
keeps you from me
I wish to continue what we started.

The hours keep walking
too fast
You’ve caught me in a cloud,
I fear to be hitting
the bottom
Reality cannot be allowed.
You tell me to hold
for a minute
That minute feels too long
The screen is left
blank
By my side is where you belong.

Sixty seconds without
hearing a word
The silence agonizes my being
Everything I am cease
to exist
Without you, I am drowning.
The sun is set to
rise again
I need forever to be complete
A kiss for tonight
and always
Tomorrow night, online we will meet.

Submitted on 2008-01-14 10:31:53 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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||| Comments |||
  I like the tone here. You do a good job with the narrator's feelings. But it's just doesn't compel me to feel sorry for her. There's something unemotional about an online relationship to me, unless we're talking about a wife waiting to hear from her husband deployed in Iraq (or vice-versa). Anyway, I think you have more depth to mine here. Keep going with this.

Peace, love and all that other junk,

Joe
| Posted on 2008-01-18 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  This was amazing. I felt like I was in a movie scene and there you were just sitting there at your table staring at the clock. Your details make the picture paint itself in my head. It makes me think of my friend who is in the army that I never get to see and we only talk on the internet with too many gaps in the conversation and time just goes so slowly when he doesn't reply right away. Great write.
| Posted on 2008-01-16 00:00:00 | by kcasey | [ Reply to This ]
  Well....can't say I've seen this type of poem before. It's really nice...not amazing but nice. To be honest it doesn't seem...i don't know its confusing. It's almost as if there isn't enough emotion. i know ill get strange looks from this but when i read it all i could hear was monotone..in..my..head. yes i know I'm nuts. I think you could expand on this more than you have. i see a crap load of potential in here its just almost as if you put it into a box....god i hate sounding like I'm crazy and stuff but there is something off.

You might try to use different types of words
to allow more feeling that you have placed in here
its almost as if you tried to force yourself to rhyme which sounds like finger nails on a chalk board. god i don't want to sound like a know it all but something is really off on this. I'm trying to make sense honestly i am but yeah.

"I need forever to be complete" that really doesn't make sense unless you use this
"I need forever to be completed" small typo.

This also sounds as if once you find out where they live you'll stalk them I think if you didn't make this sound a little desperate and tried to enhance on the feelings this "person" makes you feel instead of loneliness

"Everything I am cease
to exist
Without you, I am drowning.
The sun is set to
rise again"

It's almost as if you jumping from random thought instead of having a clear concise one. But I'm only one person so what i think really doesn't matter I'm just trying to show you what may need improvement who knows this is probably a kick ass poem and other people love it its just strange to me. I really hope i haven't offended you.

All the love,
Nikki
| Posted on 2008-01-14 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]

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