Day in and day out in a tiny hospital bed...what's going on in her mind?
I watch her sleep and can't help but wonder where my grandmother went.
This person lying here is a shell of a human being, only truly awake when my mother talks to her.
My mother is the best thing for her.
She talks to her like a human being, not someone who's dying.
That's what my aunt is here for.
My mom buys her the best kinds of ice cream, makes sure she has tasty things to eat, rattles at her about her day, makes jokes about partying all night...you know how it goes.
But the saddest thing in the world is watching her put on her lipstick.
My grandmother has never left the house without lipstick...she used to put it on constantly. It was always this bright shade of red. When I think of red lipstick and blue eyeshadow, I'll always see her in my mind.
I never knew she had such pretty blue eyes until she got sick...they were always overpowered by her make-up.
My grandmother has always been one of the most beautiful women in the world to me, despite her lack of taste in make-up...ha ha.
She had the most beautiful red hair I've ever touched.
I always wanted my hair to be red as well.
Now, I sit in this room watching as my mother painstakingly reapplies Grandma's lipstick.
She can't move on her own, can't eat unless someone feeds her, drinks from a straw, has no control of her body...but they always keep her lipstick nice.
That's the way she would want it.
Grandma has always been one of the strongest women I've known.
I think she was also one of the loneliest.
Anytime my mom would get mad at me, she'd be like, "You're just like your grandma," a testament to how stubborn I was being.
She thought it was an insult.
I always took it as a compliment.
You can still see that strength in her.
When she refuses to eat Aunt Deana's rice...when she smarts off to my mom...when she gives you that patented "look."
I still see her in there.
This is the woman who used to go out clubbing...the woman who taught me to love rap.
The woman who used to write to all her online friends every time I breathed.
The woman who was always there for me, until I messed everything up.
I used to wonder what it would have been like if I could have gone out dancing with my grandma...I think I got my love of dancing from her.
I'll never be able to hear the song "Strokin" without thinking about listening to it at her house...
And I watched her tonight, her pretty blue eyes looking from person to person, seeing and knowing everything that was going on.
And I ask myself
"How can this world keep turning if she's not in it?"