Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Amusement Ridedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ari Leukos
    ASL Info:    17/Male/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.83 - 92/134/47
    Words: 292
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 771
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1894



    Description:
       Inspired by a windy night on a rolling road.

    Thoughts?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAmusement Ridedots
    -------------------------------------------


    He smells cooked sugar and old oil on blackened gears,
    Hears rattling and laughing and distant voices—open maws;
    Feeling nothing all along, petty joys, small lights, nor fears.

    The rest laugh at him gleefully,
    While he will say, ‘Not I, not I!’

    On the rollercoaster, they tempt their lives with fate
    And scream and close their eyes in cold fright.
    But the floor will drop, and they’re too late—
    It’s a test of faith in metal tracks and chains
    Pray the cart will stay confined to its lanes!
    Why do they laugh?
    They know inside, at least the older ones will know,
    That the cart will stay on track and slow
    And stop before the ride has ended.

    I smell the oil, and cooking chars sting my eye,
    They call this amusement and child’s play—open hands;
    Yet I can’t laugh it all away, for here… here am I.

    I notice—O Lord, can’t be true!—that there are no tracks;
    There are no rails, no chains beneath these wheels.
    Wheels; there is a wheel at my seat, and cushion on my back
    And a passenger beside me—
    For my life, I can’t recall her name.
    Even her face drifts from my mind… her name?

    The bumps rattle this cart—thu-lump, thu-lump
    The lights shine on this car, and scatter like suns.

    What will I do, though, when the floor falls out beneath me?
    For I want to close my eyes,
         and breathe deep,
         and scream,
         and fling up my arms to heaven like the child on the park ride.

    I am afraid, dear child, I am afraid!
    I want to close my eyes, but then who will drive?
    Not I, I pray, not I!





    Submitted on 2008-01-15 21:30:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This got to me just like a strange experience, the meaning of which might catch up with me sometime - since it is memorable!

    That's what I want to tell you about - the poem's success in giving a weird transition experience between rollercoaster and automobile. That effect is familiar in movies, but in verse it must be harder to do because there aren't many pieces like this, hereabouts!
    | Posted on 2008-01-15 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    156017

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Incubus written by monad
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    This written by Chelebel
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Giving written by jjd
    To written by SavedDragon
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Bond written by saartha
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Summer written by layDsayD
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry