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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Handsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blu_kittin
    ASL Info:    20/F/Garden of Eden
    Elite Ratio:    6.15 - 711/397/207
    Words: 514
    Class/Type: Story/
    Total Views: 1140
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2876



    Description:
       I don't know why I wrote this. Just how I feel today.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHandsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My ring slides easily around my finger and automatically I adjust it, turning it back so that the stone faces upward.
    I look down at my hands, small but not more so than usual. One ring adorns my hands, my nails are long but not smooth, not pretty. They seem so ungraceful as they push the hair back from my face, or type, or rub a child's back.
    ____

    He plays with my ring, twisting it around and around, both of us noting the difference in the size of out hands. Calluses scrape softly, a slight swooshing rasp in the twilight. His breath is deep, steady, heavier than mine, irregular and louder, the sound amplified by the exaggeration of his smoking a ciggarette.
    I look down at his hands, engulfing mine like they would a child's. They seem to move smoother, more gracefully than mine, but still they are masculine and strong. They are gentle as they brush my face, sure of their welcome in mine.
    ______________

    Mine are pale and softer next to his, but still his are more gentle, cradling mine, sliding the cool metal over my finger, warming it with his fingertips. My nail slides, tickling over his palm, while his thumb rubs circles in the back of my hand. I look up at him, and smile, one hand holding his, one hand running fingertips over the second ring.
    _________________

    My hands are clumsy, unsure, while they cradle a soft downey head, but his are sure, and steady, covering mine, helping me to support with my hands. A tiny hand, fingers that can barely wrap around my pinky, waves in the air, and he slides a finger into it's palm. A ring, on a chain (too small for my fingers now), swings above it. A second tiny hand reaches up and I wrap my fingers around it, softly rubbing. His free hand joins mine, swallowing both of our smaller hands, a rougher backdrop for our smooth palms.
    ____________

    Softer now, after a few years of better care, his fingers lace with mine. Our skin is thinner, and my veins show through, wrinkles and blue lines like a road map there on the once creamy skin of the hand he holds. His skin isn't as wrinkled as mine, still firm and only a little less callused. I squeeze gently, and he squeezes back, just as soft, just as lovingly. Tears stain our hands, one of mine missing a ring that now sits on those once tiny hands we held together.
    ____________

    His hands are still, and cold in mine. Tears wet them, and my fingers rub the moisture away. My nails carefully trace the lines on his palm, gently glide over the now soft fingertips. I press a single kiss into his palm, trying to warm the skin. And then younger hands, as strong as his once were, slide his hand from mine, and lay it gently on his chest. My fingers slide one last time over the back of his hand before I pull away.




    Submitted on 2008-01-16 12:45:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      As I've said many times, you have a real gift for prose. This is absolutely superb. Where is that novel! Pen away and write it soon!!! excellent.... Michael
    | Posted on 2008-04-03 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      So descriptive! I really enjoyed this for its familiarity, especially early in the poem when you mention calluses brushing together. Flaws.

    I also noticed and appreciated the descriptions of heat and cold- the contrast of it.

    "sliding the cool metal over my finger, warming it with his fingertips."

    and

    "I press a single kiss into his palm, trying to warm the skin."

    | Posted on 2008-03-07 00:00:00 | by Ettenna Izus | [ Reply to This ]
      I tend to skip over the prose sections of this site, but I'm glad I didn't skip over this one. It's unusual, and it's beautiful. I didn't know that so much attention could be payed to hands as a symbol of the changes over the years. The difference between something so big, the sweep of time, and something so small, the hands, which we rely on intently all the way through our lives but always seem to forget about them.

    For me, two lines made this piece:

    I squeeze gently, and he squeezes back, just as soft, just as lovingly. Tears stain our hands, one of mine missing a ring that now sits on those once tiny hands we held together.

    and

    And then younger hands, as strong as his once were, slide his hand from mine, and lay it gently on his chest

    Very, very well written, melding the emotional with the practical, and really catching my attention.
    A favourite.
    | Posted on 2008-02-28 00:00:00 | by selfbetrayal | [ Reply to This ]
      Not much to add to what others have said. this is a beautiful peice and it makes the comment you left me mean so much more.

    Tears stain our hands, one of mine missing a ring that now sits on those once tiny hands we held together.

    this was the line that got me, and i too had tears in my eyes.
    | Posted on 2008-02-21 00:00:00 | by ashik | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! This brought tears to my eyes. I'm still struggling.

    "His hands are still, and cold in mine."
    Oh, my! I had to read that twice, to be sure I got it, because it hit me so hard.

    " I press a single kiss into his palm, trying to warm the skin."
    You painted such a great picture by using not just the visual but bringing to my mind how warm hands can be, how soft, how a man's callouses feel against a woman's hand, and then the coldness at the end hit me really hard.
    Very nicely done.
    Now I have to go find a hankie and blow my nose.

    amrslamr
    | Posted on 2008-02-19 00:00:00 | by amrslamr | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is a beautiful and touching piece. It's really cool that you tapped into their lives like that, so deeply.
    You did really cool stuff with the piece.

    Maddie
    | Posted on 2008-02-01 00:00:00 | by Madelaine | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very nice indeed. I found it a little bit difficult to get into at first, the second verse was a little over detailed in the description but the last two verses are fantastic. As said below, "hands": a very original way of displaying these peoples lifes together. I could really picture the images in my head as I kept on reading. Well done.
    | Posted on 2008-01-31 00:00:00 | by popular_myth | [ Reply to This ]
      wow that was really well written. it grabbed me in the beginning, and held on to me till the very end. it took control of my emotions as well, which few writers can do with me. i can't wait to read some of the other ones you've done
    | Posted on 2008-01-28 00:00:00 | by Dragonslayer | [ Reply to This ]
      A lifetime played out in a story of "hands"! It is moving, very artistic and poetic, and absolutely beautiful both in mood and in story!

    You are a very gifted writer Kitten, with confidence, artistic imagination, and skill both in writing and in artistry!
    | Posted on 2008-01-27 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      This was amazing. Choosing to focus on hands. So ordinary we don;'t give them much thought. Yet so important to everyone's lives.
    As I read on I felt some idea somehow that something very bad was going to happen.
    Like playing a beautiful melody that can't last forever and accepting dissonance because it exists and must.
    The image at the end is so powerful I will probably never forget it.
    Great job!
    | Posted on 2008-01-26 00:00:00 | by azurwarrior | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. This was absolutely amazing. It was beautiful, and heartwrenching. It gives the feeling that you knew them and experienced it. You are an amazing writer. I would love to be able to achieve that level of writing. It was just ahhh.
    | Posted on 2008-01-25 00:00:00 | by groovycay | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi, replying to your request to review 'hands'.

    I'll try to find any faults in written English, but if I can make any other comments, I'm not sure you ought to take any notice! You've done artistic work ready for exhibition, and and the thing to do then is be completely arrogant about it ... some readers will get it, and some won't! But it's what you say, and nobody can correct that, cos that is you.

    Typo: 'out hands' should be 'our hands'.
    Cigarette not ciggarette.
    'into its palm' not 'it's' ... 'its' is possessive but 'it's' is short for 'it is'.

    May be "just as soft, just as lovingly" should be "just as softly, just as lovingly"? The usage there is for adverb "softly"; but really it matters most how you feel it sounds ...

    Comment: This is a beautiful, beautiful piece of writing about a hard solid emotionally difficult subject, and one known about to everybody ... or ought to be! This means you've been looking for artistic objects and then figuring out with your heart how to treat them in the literary technique. I reckon this is a successful piece, I'd call it a "prose poem" (which is a silly thing to say about a poem but people do use this term).

    Everybody likes the format you have used, where there is a slight obscurity about what's going on, which stimulates the reader's closer attention, and that's what it takes to enjoy the piece best. I don't know what this device is called, but it's certainly important, and when one gets it wrong (too obscure) the readers hate that! But I was most comfortable, reading this, and so I think you must have got it just about right.

    The broad sweep through a lifetime contrasts not just cunningly but beautifully with the unwavering close-up shot of the hands in action. That is the basic device of this story, I guess, and surely it is well-chosen, because this vivid and concentrated imagery made me meet the people you're talking about, and also identify with my own experience and dreaming. It brought tears to my eyes, unexpectedly: a sign that it gets in deep, and is not just a bit of ornamental sentiment. You chose an important symbol, in hands.

    Your prose style is clear, graphic, has no awkwardness anywhere, which means that you read a lot and so have mastered the standard literary tool. I'm thinking here: maybe it would be fun for you to experiment with prose and verse styles that feel gross and put your teeth on edge! It's difficult but also reveals some ways of expression not otherwise discovered. But the style of this piece here is appropriate and clear, so that it's not noticeable - does not interfere with the imagery.

    I truly can't find fault to go along with all those good points ... but maybe it is helpful anyway to get a critical description of stuff one has done right!

    The artistic success here, came from finding a subject that your particular interest and skill just now easily masters. That's the exhibition piece! But some of your poems are struggling at some more difficult challenge, and those are the most interesting ones to another poet!






    | Posted on 2008-01-22 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      This is beautiful and powerful and amazing.

    We may not be friends, but I will still give credit to good writing when I read it.

    The descriptions are perfect, the emotions evoked by the images of these hands changing over the years, yet consistently linked to one another. I think it's amazing.

    You did an incredible job.
    | Posted on 2008-01-16 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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