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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Undonedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: bas
    ASL Info:    24/f/somewhere...
    Elite Ratio:    4.94 - 42/48/35
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 100
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 659



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUndonedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Breathe silently,
    weightlessly,
    as you look into my soul.

    Effortlessly ever so gently,
    expose the darkness
    that beholds

    Vertigo wraps around me
    like a ribbon’s only grace,
    I am exposed - the perfect one

    Longing spreads its wings
    as an eagle it soars
    beyond the bruised horizon

    Naked I stand
    fragile and trusting
    before your penetrating eyes

    So take care
    of what you hold
    The blessing or the curse

    For you pierce my inner being,
    and you leave me
    with a thread of hope.




    Submitted on 2008-01-16 13:24:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I happen to feel a little differently about the poem then Flynn. I very much enjoyed this, and the 3 line stanza style is a welcome difference from the typical 4. Your free verse and loose rhyme between stanzas makes this flow well, and I loved your word choice. My main difference from Flynn, is that it was the middle few lines that captured me.

    "Vertigo wraps around me
    like a ribbon’s only grace,
    I am exposed - the perfect one

    Longing spreads its wings
    as an eagle it soars
    beyond the bruised horizon

    Naked I stand
    fragile and trusting
    before your penetrating eyes"

    They are really extremely well written lines, they show personification, similes, metaphors, deep entrancing imagery, and a cryptic telling of the story itself.

    Personally I feel the poem tapers off after that into a more generic type of poem (still with wonderful style, but with a more mainstream story).
    | Posted on 2008-01-16 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]
      Good structure, I liked that. I'm a tad tired so I really am unable to find what you meant by it all, but those last two stanzas really grabbed hold of me.

    "So take care what you hold..." on down impacted me somehow, I can't really explain...

    That means, of course, you did something right :) I hope you write some more pieces...

    Sorry I wasn't really constructive here, tired and whatnot...
    | Posted on 2008-01-16 00:00:00 | by Flynn | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
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