Description: Just a thing I wrote on a whim of fitful depression, par usual.
Haze of Memory -------------------------------------------
Sleep is what I wish for most
To wake is what I fear
I pray for our togetherness
I run just to be near
When a kiss is just a memory
And emotions just aren't clear
I wanna drive to get away
I wanna bring you here.
But the tune is older now
The sadness became deep
When depression is your living day
Just let me go and sleep
So I can take you to a park
At least inside my dreams
For the agony of walking alone
Is enough to bring the screams
I bring the haze of memories
Too painful to record
My heart is bruised, my bones are broke
And my soul has become sore
The tears aren’t clear cause you my dear
Are everything to me.
But cruelest fate turns love to hate
And blinds so we can’t see.
Sleep is what I wish for most
And I am scared to wake
Cause I don’t wanna come to see
That kiss as a mistake…
I love the flow and progression of this poem. It shows a strong, very tight control of meter and rhyme and you executed it in the best possible fashion. The story behind the rhyme is captivating, but more from an "life is pain" perspective. I would normally call that type of poem overblown or overused, but thats unfair to the individuals writing them, after all the situation is unique to YOU is it not? Well written poem about personal struggles with daily life and heartbreak, and finding the motivation to keep going. The rhyme alone is almost worth a +fav (don't toss them around too much, and you already have one of my fav's already ;) Yet im undecided, so maybe ill come back and fav it later.
I enjoyed reading this. At the beginning it seemed like your rhyme structure detracted from the depression you were wriiting about. But as i went on, it jelled.
Some lines seemed out of place in the piece as a whole.
But again, on second reading it seemed perfect.
And the last line is a killer-loved it!
I really enjoyed reading your poem. It was great. Your structure is perfect. The rhyme pattern sounds nice. The flow is wonderful. Great piece.
"Sleep is what I wish for most
To wake is what I fear
I pray for our togetherness
I run just to be near
When a kiss is just a memory
And emotions just aren't clear
I wanna drive to get away
I wanna bring you here."
This flows nicely and has great rhyming. Your piece is unique and beautiful.I love this verse.
"But the tune is older now
The sadness became deep
When depression is your living day
Just let me go and sleep
So I can take you to a park
At least inside my dreams
For the agony of walking alone
Is enough to bring the screams"
This verse makes it sound like a relationship in which one of the people are becoming depressed. A lot of the time, people who become depressed do sleep so, great. It makes sense.
I loved your poem. It was beautifully written. Great patterns and rhymes.
Well, keep up the excellent work. You are very talented. Great job. Keep up the great work and keep on writing.
Submission Name: Haze of Memory
