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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Haze of Memorydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Flynn
    ASL Info:    24/M/MI
    Elite Ratio:    3.77 - 74/123/48
    Words: 173
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1066
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1029



    Description:
       Just a thing I wrote on a whim of fitful depression, par usual.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHaze of Memorydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sleep is what I wish for most
    To wake is what I fear
    I pray for our togetherness
    I run just to be near
    When a kiss is just a memory
    And emotions just aren't clear
    I wanna drive to get away
    I wanna bring you here.

    But the tune is older now
    The sadness became deep
    When depression is your living day
    Just let me go and sleep
    So I can take you to a park
    At least inside my dreams
    For the agony of walking alone
    Is enough to bring the screams

    I bring the haze of memories
    Too painful to record
    My heart is bruised, my bones are broke
    And my soul has become sore

    The tears arenít clear cause you my dear
    Are everything to me.
    But cruelest fate turns love to hate
    And blinds so we canít see.

    Sleep is what I wish for most
    And I am scared to wake
    Cause I donít wanna come to see
    That kiss as a mistakeÖ




    Submitted on 2008-01-16 14:28:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I love the flow and progression of this poem. It shows a strong, very tight control of meter and rhyme and you executed it in the best possible fashion. The story behind the rhyme is captivating, but more from an "life is pain" perspective. I would normally call that type of poem overblown or overused, but thats unfair to the individuals writing them, after all the situation is unique to YOU is it not? Well written poem about personal struggles with daily life and heartbreak, and finding the motivation to keep going. The rhyme alone is almost worth a +fav (don't toss them around too much, and you already have one of my fav's already ;) Yet im undecided, so maybe ill come back and fav it later.
    | Posted on 2008-01-16 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed reading this. At the beginning it seemed like your rhyme structure detracted from the depression you were wriiting about. But as i went on, it jelled.
    Some lines seemed out of place in the piece as a whole.
    But again, on second reading it seemed perfect.
    And the last line is a killer-loved it!
    | Posted on 2008-01-16 00:00:00 | by azurwarrior | [ Reply to This ]
      I really enjoyed reading your poem. It was great. Your structure is perfect. The rhyme pattern sounds nice. The flow is wonderful. Great piece.

    "Sleep is what I wish for most
    To wake is what I fear
    I pray for our togetherness
    I run just to be near
    When a kiss is just a memory
    And emotions just aren't clear
    I wanna drive to get away
    I wanna bring you here."


    This flows nicely and has great rhyming. Your piece is unique and beautiful.I love this verse.

    "But the tune is older now
    The sadness became deep
    When depression is your living day
    Just let me go and sleep
    So I can take you to a park
    At least inside my dreams
    For the agony of walking alone
    Is enough to bring the screams"

    This verse makes it sound like a relationship in which one of the people are becoming depressed. A lot of the time, people who become depressed do sleep so, great. It makes sense.

    I loved your poem. It was beautifully written. Great patterns and rhymes.

    Well, keep up the excellent work. You are very talented. Great job. Keep up the great work and keep on writing.


    ~Samantha~
    | Posted on 2008-01-16 00:00:00 | by The lost child | [ Reply to This ]
      Aww Flynneh. *Hearts*

    This is touching, I really enjoyed it. Your rhyme scheme is well done too. There were a few spots that were rocky, but overall great.

    "I bring the haze of memories
    To painful to record
    By heart is bruise my bones are broke
    And my soul has become sore"

    A few things, "By heart is..." By should be My, correct? And Bruise should be Bruised, no?

    Also, "To painful to record..." To should be Too, eh?

    Punctuation darlin', if that's what you're going for. Otherwise leave it.

    That's all I have to nitpick! Other parts that don't flow as well could use some commas or periods to fix that...but otherwise, tear-jerker love.
    | Posted on 2008-01-16 00:00:00 | by SanctityExposed | [ Reply to This ]


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