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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: contradictorydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Toxic Rose
    Elite Ratio:    5.82 - 159/220/97
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Poetry/Betrayal
    Total Views: 706
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 422



    Description:
       the first of anything i've written in a really, really long time. and it's just words, no structure.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotscontradictorydots
    -------------------------------------------


    ever heard of
    keeping your promises?
    all these things that could have been
    lie at your feet
    sharp, jagged edges cut my skin
    they slice at your heart
    yet leave no scar
    no evidence of emotion
    no hint of regret
    she trusted you to love her
    and treat her as a guardian should
    to let her live; yet here she lies
    broken, despised





    Submitted on 2008-01-18 03:32:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Sometimes I like to write a poem without a real structure, just words that express something more directly, without the need for rhyme.

    I like how you start it out with a question; unless I'm mistaken, I think your use of "lie" is correct. I think maybe you could extend this a little bit. The concept of paradox leaves this open for more material; the nature of love can be very paradoxical, and you may come up with some interesting images. Perhaps you could tell a little bit of the story behind this; sometimes when I write a poem without structure, I like to tell a story with it.

    It's good as it is anyway, but it seems open to elaboration. If you feel that you would like to work on this more, I think you should.

    Either way, I hope you keep on writing. :)

    Jen



    | Posted on 2008-01-18 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]
      In this write you speak of how tired you are of all the broken promises. You say it cuts into your soul to leave no mark but it will leave you emotionless.

    Just a few suggestions, please don’t be offended. You said “lie at your feet” This means not to be truthful at your own feet, I couldn’t help to smile. You must either say “laid at you feet” or “lied at. Your feet”

    “at your feet sharp” Do you have sharp feet? :)

    Other than that, not a bad write

    | Posted on 2008-01-18 00:00:00 | by Polydectes | [ Reply to This ]


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