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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: her cigarettes.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Briannan
    ASL Info:    20/F/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.59 - 123/127/49
    Words: 553
    Class/Type: Story/Longing
    Total Views: 880
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3139



    Description:
       an impasse is dissolved.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsher cigarettes.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Two people stood by a concrete bench in the park. It was early twilight. The leaves sighed in an autumn breeze. The night was crisp as only autumn nights can be. The smell of smoke from a forest fire somewhere up the mountain drifted down to them. The river flowed a few feet away, down an embankment that was covered in blackberry brambles. The first stars were beginning to show through the near dead tree branches.

    The girl was dressed in blue jeans, an tank top and a leather jacket. The jacket was big and didn't fit her. She slumped into it like a protective armor. She covered herself in it in a way that made her look small and frail, even though she would never admit to either.

    The boy had his hands shoved into the pocket of his over sized sweater. He was uncomfortable. You could tell that by first sight. He sighed waiting for the girl to say what she had to say.

    "You said a word to me. A word that hurt.," Eva sighed in the tone of one who's heart still breaks at the thought.

    "What word?" Caleb replied in a sarcastic bitter tone.

    "Love. You said you felt it of me. But you never meant it. You never mean it at all," The sigh had turned into sobs. She turned away from him trying to hide the tears rolling down her face.

    Caleb turned not able to look at her, even if he could not see the tears, he knew that they were there. He crossed his arms, then uncrossed them and looked in his pocket for a pack of Cigarettes. Eva's brand of Cigarettes. He took one out of the pack and lit up.

    "Everything you promised me, I never got. But she gets it," Eva's voice had started to raise and become more shrill as she had started to panic.

    "Chill, have a cigarette," Caleb said offering her the pack.

    He didn't understand what this was all about. Eva had sworn him off. She didn't want him. Why was this such a big deal?

    "I don't want a cigarette. I want to have never known you," Eva's tone had gone from sorrow to anger in one single second. She knew he wouldn't get the feelings she had for him. Why did she even try anymore?

    "You don't mean that," Caleb replied patronizingly taking a long drag on the Marb.

    Eva turned and started to walk up the path. She was walking away in more than one way. She was leaving her emotions sitting on the bench right behind Caleb.

    "I do," Eva called over her shoulder causticly, "I wish we had never met. I wish I run like hell. You know, like I had planned to. But I stayed for you, and you ruined everything. How could you do that to me? Alas, what is done is done. Now it is time to move on. Just remember, you ruined everything. And you can't make it up, especially since you don't try."

    This is the beginning of the end, she thought walking away. Autumn what a great time to end a disappointment. One of the biggest in her life.




    Submitted on 2008-01-20 15:06:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      AGH! 'Ly" words! Banish them, do you hear? Banish them from your writing!

    Seriously, I thought this was a decent piece, but do less telling and more showing. Also, you need to break up your sentence structure, especially in the 1st paragraph. The sentences are too uniform.

    How about something like this:

    Two people stood by a concrete bench in the park. The early twilight breeze softly shook the few leaves left clinging to the branches as they sighed their answer. The evening was crisp as only autumn nights can be, with the smell of smoke from a forest fire up the mountain drifting down. The nearby river flowed down an embankment covered in blackberry brambles. The first stars were beginning to show through the patchy pink and purple clouds.


    Just a suggestion. Anyway, this is a good start and I think you should continue it. I'd like to know what happens to these two.

    As always, feel to use my suggestions or ignore 'em.

    Peace, love and all that other junk,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2008-03-20 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Heartbreakin', yes, but I think it's quite realistic really. Eva should've known better, as mean as that might sound.

    Anyway, you used really solid language here, and the two characters, even though things weren't 100% defined, were still able to have a connection of sorts to the reader. Caleb comes off as very cold, but realistic. Eva seems like one that hopes for too much and doesn't make good choices. Through good body language and dialouge we are able to get a clear idea of who these characters are.

    I enjoyed the connection of autumn throughout the piece, but I think you should change one of the first few autumns to fall, just so it doesn't sound repetative.

    Also, I'm not sure it was right for Eva to say "alas" in her last lines of dialouge. It seems out of place concerning the time and circumstance. Sounds too Shakespreain and scripted, when the rest of the story seemed very realistic and modern.

    Very miner details though, in comparison to the message about love and how it has slowly lost meaning.

    You might want to take a look at "Locker Talk" on my page, it has a slightly similar story structure. I think you might appreciate it.

    Snake
    | Posted on 2008-01-20 00:00:00 | by SnakeBite7 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow...quite heartbreaking I must say. I guess I saw a little of myself in Eva....but I find her to be stronger than me. I love her last words in the piece....I think it shows how completely hurt she is..and how much she wanted him to say the right things...to give at least a little bit of a damn..and TRY. Just TRY to be the man she thought he could be. Life is full of disappointments...sometimes people disappoint us...but I think it hurts the most when we have such high hopes especially for a person and then they rip everything from us....with no warning. I say good for her for letting go...for taking the first step in cutting the bad things out of her life. Good for her. Great write. I really enjoyed it. :) ~hailie~
    | Posted on 2008-01-20 00:00:00 | by loveispain | [ Reply to This ]


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