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    dots Submission Name: Sometimes things End Abruptlydots

    Author: _proper_noun_
    ASL Info:    20/m/OK
    Elite Ratio:    5.36 - 106/88/24
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Poetry/Romance
    Total Views: 1352
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 701


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    dotsSometimes things End Abruptlydots

    Time was given to something that's dead,
    So little boys play cowboy with real guns instead.
    Some little girls act like they don't care,
    But time has a way of showing everything in there.

    Like the girl who found love with a scared little boy,
    Who ran and found fun with his loaded new toy.
    Now we all know why we don't play with Dad's guns:
    When used without care, broken hearts are no fun.

    Well this little boy had a misfire one day,
    So he went home, tired from play.
    Well this little girl had an accident that day,
    Because he showed her the gun and she got shot.

    The End.

    Submitted on 2008-01-21 14:16:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i think if you were going for a humorous bent, you don't really need "the end". you just leave it at that. and while i'm fairly sure you were going for a laugh, you have the opportunity, should you decide it, to make this speak and resonate.

    there's something about your first stanza that glimmers at me, wants me to think and feel more ... to dig deeper, to see the world and all it's possibilities from a small, half covered window of a fast going carriage. point in fact, your first line is exquisite and i'm quite jealous i didn't write it myself. because we play when we are very young to learn how to be when we are older. primitive cultures of bygone ages taught their children survival and skill in games and giggle-filled afternoons. but something has been broken, and something has died. things aren't quite as they ought to be. how we learn such vital lessons now so wrongly is mind boggling. and i think that's the possibility i see here, in your strong beginning. wisdom that you almost deign to share in insightful phrasings.

    but nevermind me. i find depth at the bottom of tea cups and puddles. either route you care to take with this piece, i found a lot here to mull over and examine. thanks for sharing. :)

    | Posted on 2008-01-21 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]

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