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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Debauchery of Personal Kabbalism through Songdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: _proper_noun_
    ASL Info:    20/m/OK
    Elite Ratio:    5.36 - 106/88/24
    Words: 325
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 988
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2001



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDebauchery of Personal Kabbalism through Songdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The doors shall open for those who dare knock,

    Though they blew down the house that was built on a rock.

    The rubble was brought to the old sleeping king,

    But the lock is the key and to look is to see.

    Through the smoke and the silk he picked through the pieces,

    And threw to the sea the ones with no reason.

    He said to his son, "Make the foundation strong,

    But remember that nothing lasts for too long.

    Use only the finest of practical things,

    And never forget the joys money will bring.

    A man is worth only the family he has,

    And his family is only worth household and land."



    Down by the vines that grew by the road

    Walked the king's son 11 years older.

    He sang to himself, so that no one else heard.

    His song was obscure and his mood was absurd.

    He came upon a homeless old dog

    That slept by the road when the sun was too hot.

    He looked at the mutt and said with a smile,

    "I built a foundation of stone and guile.

    The walls of my castle were marble and steel,

    And I built them up high so I couldn't feel

    The sting of the wind coming in from the shore,

    Or hear the foul cries of the sick and the poor.

    But look at me now, compassionate father,

    I sleep under trees with my home underwater.

    Tell me your thoughts, compassionate ghost,

    On my memory of you as a prisoner's host.

    I've found my songs and the road to my grin.

    Although it's a road that will lead to an end.

    As you once said, 'nothing lasts for too long,'

    I'll follow the vines until they are gone."




    Submitted on 2008-01-21 14:19:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      your meter's as perfect as is possible, i'm pretty sure.
    awesome.
    and double awesome: your slant rhymes.
    (yay!!)


    eh... advice-wise, i'd suggest getting rid of the excess line breaks. it's a bit much to look at. but beyond that, it's cool.

    Through the smoke and the silk he picked through the pieces,
    And threw to the sea the ones with no reason.
    He said to his son, "Make the foundation strong,
    But remember that nothing lasts for too long.
    Use only the finest of practical things,
    And never forget the joys money will bring.
    A man is worth only the family he has,
    And his family is only worth household and land."


    this part is great. this ugly, strangling pragmatism that just... kills... anything that doesn't agree with it. and in the second strophe, there's a hint of the wise man/foolish man parable:

    But look at me now, compassionate father,
    I sleep under trees with my home underwater.


    ... as if you can look straight ahead, and you can think of yourself and your own, but when you do that you're blocking out the things that matter. you're the fool, though maybe all signs point away from that. the signs are wrong, y'know...?

    ~
    | Posted on 2008-07-14 00:00:00 | by etheror | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow... just wow. I've favorite'd 2 poems in the past 10 minutes or so, because they were great, but I have to say yours surpassed even theres, and you will undoubtedly be a 3rd fav. I cant even relay to you the strength of the rhymes you used, the captivation you instilled while I followed, or the amazing meaning behind your story. I can't believe you made the rhymes flow so well, and still created such a vivid imagery. Usually you sacrifice one for the other because you have to "force" a rhyme or 2. I didn't feel that at all in your piece. I want to leave a longer comment for you, extending on how much I really enjoyed this, but I have no criticism to offer, just praise, and that makes for a dull comment. The slightest, absolute slightest little change I would make, is that at the VERY end, your last 4 lines have kind of broken rhymes, "grin and end" and "long and gone" (though long and gone may have been an intentional none rhyme since it ended the poem).
    | Posted on 2008-01-21 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]


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