Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: complicated to the coredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: hidden lady
    ASL Info:    28/female/nebraska
    Elite Ratio:    4.47 - 116/118/30
    Words: 228
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 641
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1660



    Description:
       my own demons. its sketchy and I'm not sure it's any good so let me know


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotscomplicated to the coredots
    -------------------------------------------


    She wasn't just

    someones sisters

    or girlfriend.

    daughter or

    mother.



    she tried to be a

    beloved perfect

    picture.



    tried to be the

    visage model

    wrapped in designer

    dreams.



    "Im dying." she said,

    "since my first word.



    her shaking hand put earth quakes

    in me resembling tribal dances and

    forms of prayer.



    "I'll tell you all my lies"

    like closets and locked doors.

    show you skelotons that were

    meant to crumble to dust".



    spilling her life like

    buckets of water

    it was almost as though

    she were folding herslf

    into an envolope to send

    away, spellchecked and

    punctuated.



    her lies were my lies,

    but she told them to herself

    as though said out loud

    they would be truth.



    she never changed.

    only her cloths and hair

    ever morphed to

    imatate what she really wanted to be.



    the lie was concrete!

    her lies were my lies.

    she was me

    the person with shatterd

    eyes before you.




    Submitted on 2008-01-21 16:49:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Alrighty, as you know (per your description), this is a little sketchy. It really has potential though. For starters, it could be cleaned up a bit in regards to spelling and/or punctuation. Example:

    "someones sisters" should read "someone's sister"

    or

    "skelotons" to "skeletons"

    Again, those are not too important, nor do they retract from the message or story that is being portrayed.

    "spilling her life like
    buckets of water
    it was almost as though
    she were folding herslf
    into an envolope to send
    away, spellchecked and
    punctuated."

    * I liked this part of the poem, although I liked it as two awkward pieces that are connected to the same puzzle. They don't seem to mess well together, but sound beautiful apart. I you want to keep them together maybe there is an added transition or rearrangement of words that may help out. Minor suggestive example:

    "A countless number of tears have been shed, spilling her life like buckets of water. She constantly questions the validity of her life, as though she was folding herself into an envelope to send away, spellchecked and punctuated."

    All in all, this piece was good, but it could be great. Keeping it the way it is will not harm its value either. Hope this helped, if not you can tell me to shove it and I won’t mind :)


    * Note - I know when someone tells me how this or that doesn't fit right in my poems, I take it as they didn't get my meaning and I shouldn't change anything. These are just third party observations and not slanders to your writing.

    Take care.

    Nick


    | Posted on 2010-02-05 00:00:00 | by Nicholas Lala | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    156294

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Bond written by saartha
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    To written by SavedDragon
    Linger written by saartha
    Giving written by jjd
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Incubus written by monad
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry