[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: One pair for twodots

    Author: Flynn
    ASL Info:    24/M/MI
    Elite Ratio:    3.77 - 74/123/48
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 719
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 763

       Ever feel like you're just making him or her up?

    Help me out with the ending... the whole concept is that there is one pair of footsteps for two people, because only one was actually walking down the shore...
    It needs to be 7 syllables. :s I did vary a bit, but I tried to stick to 6-8 syllables per line.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne pair for twodots

    Steal away this false nation
    I have built, Alone with you.
    In my mind, this broken mind.
    And dry away my tears.

    Walk along, with no footsteps.
    Leave no print for them, to see.
    Slink away, just sneak away.
    And none shall ever know.

    Take upon yourself this blade
    Press across my broken flesh
    And bleed it onto this sand
    Cry this song aloud to me.

    A photograph taken of me
    Pretending you are there
    With open arms and glowing eyes
    I live in this denial.

    Withering, the days crawl by
    Each thought I think’s a trial.
    The waves clean away all our thoughts
    Erase the steps, once made alone.

    Submitted on 2008-01-21 23:41:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      last line still has too many syllables.
    Why not "Erase footprints made alone"
    There is not a lot left to critique on this. It is very strong. I'd go back and edit the apostrophes in. For some reason, one of the updates changed them into a symbol. I've been trying to do that to most of my old pieces but grrr.
    | Posted on 2015-02-11 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      Very Very Strong Write
    To me you are speaking of the pain of being alone and how we all live with that WHAT IF moniker when we choose to end a relationship
    I Thank God have never experienced Love as in a relationship in my 40 years because to be honest with you I dont think I could bear the pain of rejection
    Again Great Job!!!
    Its Good to see you back again
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    God Bless
    | Posted on 2008-08-25 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW. That reads like some of my work that I wrote when I was most down..or most perverted.

    I really like the imagery, Flynn...I can't wait to see where you're going with this.
    | Posted on 2008-02-09 00:00:00 | by DemonicInk | [ Reply to This ]
      Maybe "cleanse" for "clean"?
    Erase the dreams, steps made alone?
    (These are only ideas. If they help, great. If not, I tried).

    BTW, I think this is a really good piece, just maybe work a bit on the end and it's THERE, dude.
    | Posted on 2008-01-22 00:00:00 | by azurwarrior | [ Reply to This ]
      Last line first stanza, begin with "Come".
    Second stanza last line say,"None but spirits ever know."
    Fourth stanza first line take out "of" and put "to". Second line begin with "Of" Third line begin with "Opened armed"
    Fifth stanza third line leave out "all". Last line , begin with "of those steps."
    | Posted on 2008-01-22 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    written by Daniel Barlow
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    AI written by poetotoe
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Estranged / Shocks written by Daniel Barlow
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    Bond written by saartha
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Push written by JanePlane
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Before, Now, & After written by SincerWritinAsh
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Fasade written by jackz
    Summer written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    You do, I Do written by poetotoe




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]