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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: One pair for twodots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Flynn
    ASL Info:    24/M/MI
    Elite Ratio:    3.77 - 74/123/48
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 708
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 763



    Description:
       Ever feel like you're just making him or her up?

    Help me out with the ending... the whole concept is that there is one pair of footsteps for two people, because only one was actually walking down the shore...
    It needs to be 7 syllables. :s I did vary a bit, but I tried to stick to 6-8 syllables per line.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne pair for twodots
    -------------------------------------------



    Steal away this false nation
    I have built, Alone with you.
    In my mind, this broken mind.
    And dry away my tears.

    Walk along, with no footsteps.
    Leave no print for them, to see.
    Slink away, just sneak away.
    And none shall ever know.

    Take upon yourself this blade
    Press across my broken flesh
    And bleed it onto this sand
    Cry this song aloud to me.

    A photograph taken of me
    Pretending you are there
    With open arms and glowing eyes
    I live in this denial.

    Withering, the days crawl by
    Each thought I think’s a trial.
    The waves clean away all our thoughts
    Erase the steps, once made alone.




    Submitted on 2008-01-21 23:41:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      last line still has too many syllables.
    Why not "Erase footprints made alone"
    There is not a lot left to critique on this. It is very strong. I'd go back and edit the apostrophes in. For some reason, one of the updates changed them into a symbol. I've been trying to do that to most of my old pieces but grrr.
    | Posted on 2015-02-11 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      Very Very Strong Write
    To me you are speaking of the pain of being alone and how we all live with that WHAT IF moniker when we choose to end a relationship
    I Thank God have never experienced Love as in a relationship in my 40 years because to be honest with you I dont think I could bear the pain of rejection
    Again Great Job!!!
    Its Good to see you back again
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2008-08-25 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW. That reads like some of my work that I wrote when I was most down..or most perverted.

    I really like the imagery, Flynn...I can't wait to see where you're going with this.
    | Posted on 2008-02-09 00:00:00 | by DemonicInk | [ Reply to This ]
      Maybe "cleanse" for "clean"?
    Erase the dreams, steps made alone?
    (These are only ideas. If they help, great. If not, I tried).

    BTW, I think this is a really good piece, just maybe work a bit on the end and it's THERE, dude.
    | Posted on 2008-01-22 00:00:00 | by azurwarrior | [ Reply to This ]
      Last line first stanza, begin with "Come".
    Second stanza last line say,"None but spirits ever know."
    Fourth stanza first line take out "of" and put "to". Second line begin with "Of" Third line begin with "Opened armed"
    Fifth stanza third line leave out "all". Last line , begin with "of those steps."
    | Posted on 2008-01-22 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]


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